From Homeschool to Hollywood!

20 Tips for Teen Girls

2012-01-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

1. If someone gossips TO you, they will gossip ABOUT you.

2. Treat your parents with respect, even if you don't think they deserve it.

3. Be fierce about staying pure. (Take being called a "prude" as a compliment.)

4. Find your security, identity and confidence in Christ, not people.

5. Dress fashionably, but modestly. You want to be remembered for your personality (which is unique) not your cleavage (which looks exactly like everyone else's).

6. Malls are overrated. Go for a hike, see a play, make a cheesy youtube skit, do something besides "hanging" for hours around an indoor fountain that has water dyed blue to make it look more like water.

7. Find a mentor. Ask someone you respect and who has a strong walk with the Lord to mentor you if no one falls into that place naturally.

8. Learn to accept correction that is given in love.

9. Let baseless criticism roll off your back.

10. Avoid drama.

11. Forgive. Grudges don't burn any extra calories.

12. Take care of yourself by adopting good health habits now.

13. You don't need 750 self portraits of yourself on Facebook.

14. Hang around with people outside your peer group. You can learn a lot from adults, and younger kids can learn a lot from you.

15. Help keep creepy people away from you by disabling all location information in your social media.

16. Be trustworthy. Don't give your word lightly, and keep your word when you give it.

17. Read good books. No, Twilight doesn't count. (Hunger Games does.)

18. Be "others centered." Go volunteer at a nursing home. Help fold bulletins at your church. Offer to help out with a production at your local theater.

19. Be kind with your words.

20. Seek after the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul. Learn about who God is. Ask the tough questions, then find the answers.

www.funnykristin.com

Top Three Cupcake Picks 2011

2012-01-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago cupcakes started trending. If my cupcake history is correct, the Beverly Hills Sprinkles launched these little delicacies into the spotlight, and the fire gradually spread. Cupcakeries (if it's not already a word, it should be) began popping up all over the place.

It is my firm belief that cupcakes promote happiness.** Have you ever seen a cupcake and frowned?

As the trend spiraled nation-wide, I had an overwhelming urge to find the world's most perfect cupcake. This quest would require dedication, commitment, and the consumption of a lot of cupcakes. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the betterment of mankind. After all, can you imagine the power you'll hold if you possess the knowledge of where to find the most perfect cupcake? I shudder at the thought of this knowledge falling into the wrong hands.

I began sampling cupcakes at a rate of one a week. When I was on the road with comedy I'd keep my eyes open for bakeries to try. Over the course of 2011 I established my top three picks for cupcake places in the U.S. Two are in California, one in Texas. This year I will continue my quest to find the perfect cupcake...if such a thing exists.

Last thing: I am among those with an innate disgust of the word "moist." But there is truly no other word that adequately describes a bakery product with the appropriate amount of moisture. My synonym search yielded alternatives like "oozy" and "damp." Certainly not an adjective I want describing something I'm eating, unless it's frosting oozing out of the cupcake. Even then...kinda ew.

And finally: My Top Three Cupcake Picks for 2011:

1. Sift in Napa, CA

This place won Cupcake Wars, and for good reason. I tried the Sky is Falling and Snickerdoodle cupcakes, which were hands down the best cupcakes I've ever tried. They were moist, with the appropriate cake-to-frosting ratio. The flavors just strong enough without being overwhelming.

2. NV Cupcakes in Corinth, TX

Usually bigger cities boast winning treats, but this unassuming little shop nestled next to an Alberton's boasts some pretty spectacular treats. The thing I value about these is the consistency. These are near my family in Texas and I often get them as gifts. They are never dry, never too sweet, and slightly smaller (also priced lower than the average cupcake) so you don't go into a sugar coma after eating one. My personal favorites are the New York Cheescake (available on Fridays) and the York Peppermint (rolled out on Wednesdays). Bonus, it's family owned.

3. Famous Cupcakes in Valley Village, CA

This cupcakery was in a neighborhood where I used to teach. The cupcakes are moist, and the frosting brilliant. Start off with a half, though, as they are quite sweet. I recommend the Black Tie or Vanilla. The biggest con is trying to find parking in the tiny shopping center where this is located.

Honorable Mention: WalMart cupcakes. You wouldn't think the place known for cheapness would crank out a decent pastry. Perhaps it was because my expectations were so low I had no choice but to be pleasantly surprised.

www.funnykristin.com

*When eaten in moderation. Eaten in large quantities they promote type 2 diabetes. This PSA brought to you by Paula Dean.**

**PSA not actually brought to you by Paula Dean.

There's a Man in my Pants!

2012-01-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I received the most amazing advice on how to get a husband.

After one of my shows a middle age lady came up to me and posed the following question:

"I know you joke about being single in your act, but is getting married something you want?"

"Sure, when I meet the right guy," I responded.

"Okay, well if you're serious about wanting to get a husband, here's what you need to do. You need to get a pair of men's pants and hang them on the end of your bed. Then you pray to God every night to fill those pants with the perfect man," she said firmly.

I almost started laughing, but there was no hint of joking in her voice.

Oh my, I realized. She's serious! And she wasn't finished.

"But you're tall," she added thoughtfully. "So you want to hang a big pair of pants so you get a tall man."

"My dad is tall," I interjected. "Can I use a pair of his pants?"

"Oh no, sweetie. That's a little weird," she said, looking mortified.

Good! I was wondering where the bar for "weird" was. It definitely had been raised in this conversation. And she still wasn't finished.

"Go to Goodwill and pick up a pair of pants there," she finished. "That's what I did when I was ready to get married. I hung those pants up, prayed, and then I joined Christian Mingle and found my husband!"

There were so many crazy wise cracks going through my head. I got the sense this wasn't the kind of person who would take teasing. (It's much less rude, and requires less of a spine, to blog about it later.) Instead I smiled and said, "thank you for the advice."

"Please let me know how it goes!" she said.

That's when my willpower dissolved.

"I will definitely let you know when I have a man in my pants."

Later I relayed the whole thing to my friend who was with me. We decided I shouldn't rush into hanging just any pair of pants. Based on this lady's logic, the kind of pants I hang will be indicative of the man who fills them.

I immediately dismissed the Goodwill suggestion, because I don't want a used man. But did I want to hang scrubs and get a doctor? Designer pants and get a lawyer or businessman? If I hung up an Ironman suit would I get Robert Downey Jr.?

I still haven't decided. I think I'll just keep praying that God will provide me with the right guy at the right time. And with the right pants.

I haven't hung the pants, but that conversation did get me thinking about starting a new dating website. I will call it Maninmypants.com. I am too scared to google it to see if it's taken.

What crazy advice have you received for finding a spouse? And, did it work?

www.funnykristin.com

I Kissed Dating Hello

2012-01-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

In the late 90s Josh Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" came out. This book took the conservative Christian community--especially the homeschool community--by storm. My mom gave me this book when I was thirteen. I skimmed it quickly because as a late blooming teenager I didn't really see how any of it applied to me. I was not going to date, I was going to court. Got it. Could I please go roller blading around the neighborhood now? If I ran into a boy I'd be sure to not make prolonged eye contact until his intentions were clear.

Sarcasm aside, it wasn't uncommon to hear young Christian homeschool teens asking each other, "is your family doing dating or courting?" Daters were looked down upon, courters were revered for their higher standards. It was never explicitly said, but somehow we all knew to answer "we're going to court, of course!" We weren't heathens, after all!

"Guarding your heart" was the phrase used when proceeding into a relationship with the opposite sex. (Oops...meant to type gender and not the "s" word.) We assumed that by following these standards and "guarding our hearts" we'd be guaranteed the perfect man and a perfect marriage. Again, it was never said, but somehow I came away with that assumption.

Here's the problem with that assumption: there are no perfect men (or women) and no perfect marriage. Assuming a particular method of dating/courting will grant you either of these is setting yourself up for disappointment. I know plenty of girls who obeyed the letter of the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" law who are in their thirties and still single. I know plenty of girls who had a perfect courtship and their marriage still has problems. Obedience doesn't guarantee reward. Tough lesson. (Some of these are man made laws. Obeying God's law always leads to reward, just not necessarily on this side of eternity. See Hebrews 11.)

So, here's my final opinion more than ten years after perusing IKDG: dating is not evil. There is this unspoken idea in courting that you have to be CERTAIN the person you are going to court is the one you will marry before you proceed. I believe you should date purposefully. But you don't have to know for sure that someone is "the one" before you make a move. If you DO know for certain, great! But having that as a prerequisite is not realistic in most situations.

In a nutshell, I think this is what you should keep in mind when approaching a relationship:

Step one: mutual attraction (well, hopefully it's mutual).
Step two: guy pursues and communicates intentions.
Step three: establish values and set your boundaries. Have accountability. (Hopefully both sides will already have accountability people in their lives.)
Step four: Have fun, get to know each other and find out if this person is meant to be your 'til death! If not, move on. If so, huzzah!

This is neither dating nor courting, but a little combination of both. "Dourting," if you will. In fact, I think I'm going to write a book called "Dourt your way to the Alter." I smell a best seller.

Psalm 73:26

www.funnykristin.com

Comedy in Kansas

2012-01-03T09:35:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege of performing for the most amazing group of people in December in Kansas. They were such a fun audience!

No More Friends Please!

2011-12-29T14:22:00.000-08:00

"I just don't have time for more friends!"

I'd never heard that phrase uttered until a couple weeks ago. And I heard it not once, but twice, in two separate conversations.

The only friend "cap" I knew of was Facebook's 5,000 friend limit, but apparently peoples' insane schedules are causing them to ration friends.

As a kid I participated in Girl Scouts for one whole month as a Brownie. I asked to stop after I realized they did not have any actual brownies at the Brownie meetings. LIES! Anyhow, before I quit I learned a song that I remember to this day. It went like this:

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold."

The song implies old friends are worth more than new friends, but that new friends still have worth.

Old friends have value because the roots of the friendship have cultivated over time. They have seen you through various life stages. My old friends and I have laughed together, cried together, rejoiced together, torn wall paper off ceilings together (long story), encouraged one another, corrected each other, gone on crazy impromptu life-threatening adventures together, and sometimes sat quietly in the same room staring at the wall together.

Sometimes it is weeks, months or years between visits. But when we reunite it's as if no time has been lost. These friends are not gold. They are worth much more.

At some point, though, each of these old friends was "new." Had I decided to close off my world to new people, I'd have missed out on knowing some amazing friends.

I think what the people who stated the above quote really meant was they didn't have time for anymore superficial human interaction. And I agree that you CAN have too many shallow acquaintances. (I'm looking at you, people with 5,000 Facebook friends.)

Getting to know new people takes time, energy, and doesn't always result in a meaningful friendship. Sometimes you have to wade through some shallow acquaintances, though, to find a true friend. After all, you have to mine for gold.

Friends are a gift from the Lord, and to get caught up in numbers--high or low--is silly. If you have even one true, loyal friend you are blessed. If you have many true, loyal friends, all the better!

Life is busy. But in my experience it never quits being busy. Don't let that be an excuse to stop reaching out. You never know when or where God will use you, and you never know when He may bless you with another friend.

So, introduce yourself to someone new. Invite someone you've continually crossed paths with to lunch. You will not click with everyone, and over time you will get stood up, taken advantage of, and annoyed. But sometimes you click instantly and will have, as Anne puts it in Anne of Green Gables, a kindred spirit.

And you can never have too many kindred spirits.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24

www.funnykristin.com

What to say after: "I was homeschooled too!"

2011-11-13T19:40:00.001-08:00

Very often I will run into someone from who is also a veteran homeschooler.

"You were homeschooled?!"

"Yes!"

"Me too!"

At this point the conversation abruptly halts. Never before have there been two people with so much in common, and yet so little to talk about. I've discovered there are no obvious follow up questions to further bond with a new friend and fellow homeschooler. You can't ask the same questions you'd ask to someone who went to public school.

What high school did you go to? (My living room.)
Who was your teacher for _______ class? (It's pretty much a given that homeschoolers are taught by their parents.)
Was ________ in your class? (Unless you're a twin, you're the only one in your class.)
What school activities did you do? (When you're homeschooled every activity is a school activity.)

We have to get creative with our questions, so I suggest the following questions as follow up to finding a fellow socially awkward comrade.

Were you raised Duggar-style or was your family more mainstream?
How many siblings did you have?
What grades did you homeschool?
Seen any good Kirk Cameron movies lately?

Those are just a few of the questions that could launch good conversation, which in turn could segue into a beautiful, socially special friendship.

What questions would you ask to break the ice with a fellow homeschooler?

www.funnykristin.com

How I Nearly Ruined a Showbiz Pizza Commercial as a Kid

2011-10-20T17:08:00.001-07:00

What you are about to read is a true story. It is recounted as I remember it.

I got my first job at the age of four.

While walking through the airport with my dad, my older sister Lori was scouted by an agent at a top Dallas modeling agency. They really liked my older sister’s look, and since I kind of looked like her, they kind of liked me and signed us both. She was six and I was four.

I thought modeling would be a good way to start a college fund and get ahead on my 401k, while maybe indulging in a few wants such as a new Cabbage Patch Doll and some Fisher Price roller skates.

Okay, for real. I had no clue I was even working.

There are four things I remember about being a child model:

1. The clothes were itchy.

2. The grown ups didn’t smile much.

3. If I didn’t strip off the itchy clothes during the shoot I got a McDonald’s Happy Meal.

4. I usually threw up the Happy Meal a few hours later because my parents were health fiends and rarely let us have anything processed, so my body revolted when fed contraband foods.

The highlight of my career came at five years old, when I got to be an extra in a Showbiz Pizza commercial. For those of you who don’t remember, Showbiz Pizza was the predecessor to Chuck E. Cheese. We never went there because my parents didn’t want to spend money on tokens or pizza made with white flour.

The talent in the commercial was comprised of a principal little boy, thirty child extras, and one actor inside a gigantic mouse suit that later morphed into Chuck E. Cheese. Back then it was just a creepy, pedophilia-looking mouse (see above picture).

The parents waited in a separate area while their children filmed. I would not want to be in a room with thirty stage mothers each trying to one-up the other mothers with their child’s accomplishments.

One of the production assistants divided up the kids to be filmed doing different things around the restaurant. Some kids went to the ball pit, some went to the gophers that try and thwart your hammer with their random head popping, and some went to a table to work with a pizza.

(Due to union laws the pizza couldn’t be on set for any more than 30 minutes before it had to get switched out with a fresher pizza. And we thought actors had a hard time staying fresh. Every time an actor tells me they’re having trouble keeping their image new and interesting, I remind them to be thankful they’re not a pizza. Incidentally I’m not friends with many actors.)

Lori, who was also an extra, was assigned to the gopher heads. I was put with the pizza group and led away with 5 other kids by Production Assistant #1, who was no doubt a recent film studies graduate. PA #1 took her job more seriously than most cardiac surgeons take open-heart surgery. If everyone were as dedicated to his or her job as PA #1, world peace would be only a matter of time.

I don’t want to make light of her dedication. This commercial was the stepping-stone by which she would move to episodic television, transition into film, and then receive her Oscar by thirty for best cinematography. A lot was riding on the shoulders of this twenty-second commercial spot. She could not fail. Which meant the six children she was responsible for could not fail.

PA #1 took me and five other kids to a dining table. On that table sat a huge, scrumptious sausage pizza. I stared at that pizza. I wanted it. It was hypnotizing me with its gooey cheese, greasy sausage, and over refined crust. I’d do anything for a slice.

My parents made pizza from scratch using wheat that my dad bought from a wheat dealer. (Yes, there is such a thing. Wheat deals go down very similar to drug deals.) They ground these wheat kernels into flour in their grinder. They had an all-organic tomato paste and something dairy free for cheese. It tasted nothing like this pizza looked.

I was so deep into my analysis of the pizza that I didn’t pay attention to what PA #1 instructed. Before I knew what was happening she said, “as soon as you hear ‘action’ grab your piece of pizza.”

This was working exactly as I’d hoped.

I got into attack position, eyed the piece of pizza I wanted, and waited for ‘action.’

“ACTION!”

That was my cue. I grabbed my piece of pizza and began eating it as fast as I could.

“CUT!”

PA #1 approached me. She didn’t look happy.

“What are you doing?” she asked me. “You were supposed to grab a slice of pizza and hold it up!”

I somehow missed that part of the instructions. Before I could respond, she’d already walked away.

PA #1 was furiously talking to the props man, telling them that I’d ruined the take by eating the pizza. The props guy nodded and went somewhere.

PA #1 talked to someone else quickly, and then told me they were moving me. A tall man in a headset came over and escorted me to another little group of kids setting up for another shot. These kids were going to skip in a circle around the Pedophilic Mouse mascot.

All I had to do was follow the kid in front of me and look happy. The director yelled “ACTION” and we all started skipping.

Everything was going smoothly. I was on my second lap around the mouse when, for reasons I still can’t explain, I decided to grab his tail. And for equally inexplicable reasons, I decided not to let go.

Here’s a fun fact: the tails of mouse mascots aren’t sewn on very well. I was only half way around the mouse, tail still in hand, when I heard a “riiiiip,” and suddenly I wasn’t pulling the tail anymore. I was carrying it in my hand.

“CUT!”

Pedophilic Mouse turned to look at the hole in his* suit. A pair of white Hanes underwear was visible through the tear I’d made. The kids started pointing and laughing as the actor inside the mouse tried to cover the hole clumsily with his fur clad hands. I hung my head in shame. I’d never meant to hurt the mouse. I’d just grabbed his tail for no reason. I felt a tickle in my eyes and blinked back tears. I also felt something rumble in my tummy. The kind of rumble that makes you have to run to a bathroom.

The costume person retrieved the tail from my hand and walked with the mouse to another room. Production was temporarily halted.

Another assistant walked over to me and said I could come sit with her while things got reset. I think they didn’t want to leave me unsupervised. I told this girl I wasn’t feeling good, and that I might be sick. She promptly took me back to where the parents were being kept.

Here’s how you know I’m not lying about this story. If I were making up the story I would have had me throwing up on PA #1 or in the ball pit or on the lead little boy, who received noticeably better treatment than the other kids.

But I did not get sick. I merely went to sit with my mother, another stage mother gave me two Spearmint tic tacs, and I laid my head in my mom’s lap until they finished shooting and Lori was released. Lori came out with hundreds of tickets they’d let her keep when she played the gopher game. Fortunately she hadn’t seen my mess ups, and the shame I’d brought on myself remained my secret. Until now.

In the final cut of the commercial, there is a ¼ second blurb where you can see the seat of the pale blue overalls my mom dressed me in for the day. For years my mom freeze-framed the commercial to that ¼ second every time someone entered our house.

I'd share the footage with you, but sadly that VHS accidentally got dropped off our balcony and then smashed with a hammer when I was a teenager.

My modeling career didn’t last much longer. When I was almost six several of my teeth fell out, and my adult teeth came in at such odd angles that no one wanted me representing their product, so the agency dropped me.

Exhibit A:

This instilled in me a deep sense of self-hatred, which was vitally important when I started doing stand up comedy.

The moral of this story is simple: If you are going to be health nuts don’t put your child in show business or some delicious looking prop food might distract them from listening to important instructions and wreak havoc on the entire commercial and instill a feeling of guilt and shame in your child that forces them into the world of comedy later in life.

When I was sixteen all my suffering paid off when I had a few thousand dollars in the bank to put toward a car. Sadly, that is my only fond memory of my first job.

If you made it to the end of this blog you deserve a piece of delicious pizza.

www.funnykristin.com

*Or her. I never did see its face. I consider that a good thing, because if a mascot lets you see their human face, it means they’re going to kill you.

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Toddlers & Tiaras Stand Up

2011-10-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Continuing my love-hate relationship (meaning, it's a show I love to hate) with the reality show Toddlers and Tiaras, here is a short clip of some of the T&T material I have in my stand up act.

www.funnykristin.com

Trivial Annoyances

2011-09-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning up my computer and stumbled upon this list I wrote a while ago about life’s trivial annoyances and thought I’d share. You’re welcome.

Ten of life’s trivial annoyances:

1. Trying to spread frozen butter on warm toast.

2. Hitting a string of yellow traffic lights.

3. Responding “Good!” when someone asks, “What’s up?” because you automatically assumed they’d asked, “How’s it going?”

4. Trying to evenly distribute maple syrup into the waffle squares.

5. When your evening nap spills over into the night and you wake up at 1am ready to start the day.

6. Post-nap grog.

7. The phenomenon that the watched pot never boils, but everything else you cook burns.

8. Being too tired to sleep.

9. Getting out of the shower and realizing you only shaved one leg.

10. Not being able to think of a tenth trivial annoyance.

www.funnykristin.com

Kristin's Guide to Being a Youth Leader

2011-09-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is satire.**

I recently began volunteering with the high school ministry at my church. After a little observation I've come up with a list of things you need to do if you want to connect with high school students at youth group:

1. Give high fives. Lots of them. There is no such thing as too many high fives.

2. If you're a guy leader have a football or soccer ball in your hands. At all times. No exceptions.

3. Say "that's awesome!" a lot. I think the conversational rule is you need at least one "that's awesome" for each year of the student's age.

4. A well placed "Wuzzup!" goes a long way in breaking the ice.

5. Play an instrument for worship. The list of acceptable instruments you can play for youth, from coolest to least coolest, is as follows: Electric guitar, acoustic guitar, drums, bass, keyboard, piano, ukulele, violin, tambourine, castanets, kazoo. If your primary instrument is the cello or a woodwind instrument, God probably hasn't called you to high school ministry. (No offense to my fellow musicians, but have you ever seen anyone lead worship at youth camp with a flute?)

6. Blast their ears with really loud music during worship, then admonish them to listen.

7. Have pizza. Because if they don't like your personality, speaking style, or music, they'll like you because they associate you with pizza.

8. Be genuine. At least pretend to be.

**Mostly.

www.funnykristin.com

Eat Pray Laugh Day 6: Reality show auditions

2011-09-07T22:33:00.001-07:00

I've had a hard time putting this blog into words, but here it goes!

On day six of the tour we were back in Los Angeles. We had an evening show at Saddleback Church, but before the show Kerri had an interview for a reality show pilot called (working title) Real Christian Women. I think they're trying to imitate Real Housewives, but with a church community.

I'm not going to pretend I think this show sounds like a good idea. Save for Toddlers and Tiaras, I'm not a reality show fan. The only good thing about them is they give everyone, mostly the mentally insane, a fair shot at celebrity status. There is no talent or creativity required. Then again, my television only gets two channels, (three if I put aluminum foil over the antennas), so who am I to critique this genre?

"Qualified" or not, I'm critiquing.

We arrived at the casting studios and met the casting producers and directors. They told us to our faces they are only looking for camera-friendly (translation: hot) women. They said out of five or six cast members, only one could be overweight. Keep in mind this is Hollywood, where I'm considered obese.

They wanted real faith, but were okay with fake body parts. Maybe if it were called "shallow Christian women..." Or maybe they're insinuating that real Christian women ARE shallow. I don't know.

So what did all this have to do with me? I'm getting to that. I went with Kerri to watch Ruby while she had her interview. Kerri had said they may ask me a question or two about her, and I assured her I'd make sure she sounded like she belonged on a reality show (translation: I'd make her look a lovely blend of crazy and loveable).

About half an hour later Kerri bounced out of the interview and not-so-subtly suggested they interview me for the show. They said absolutely and ushered me into the audition room.

"Um, sure!" I said as I complied. I WAS curious and I hadn't signed anything or filled out any paper work that bound me to the show if selected. (Kerri had turned in a 14 page application prior to her interview.)

The casting lady brought me in and asked a series of questions that hinted maybe she didn't know much about real Christianity at all. No questions about Jesus, how I try and show God's love, or what it's like to fail and by grace try again. She wanted to know if there were any churches I despised. If everyone in my family were still virgins. (I was like, "Yes. My parents.") They were looking for areas of conflict. I didn't give them any. Fifteen minutes later the inquisition stopped, mainly because I think my general lack-of-conflict bored the casting director to death. She told me she'd be in touch with more information, and we all went our merry ways.

I called my dad immediately and thanked him for giving me a drama-free life.

Long story short, I didn't hear back from them. =0D Obviously, as you can see by my emoticon choice, I was bummed. (Sidenote: anyone know how I can get actually smileys onto my blog? Once I learn I plan to massively overuse them.)

Oh, and also you're required to undergo a psych test before they officially pick you. My friend who works in production said they do that because they WANT crazy people on the show as it creates drama.

Fortunately the show at Saddleback Church in San Juan Capistrano was a blast. Wonderful REAL Christian women who were very kind, very beautiful, and full of laughter. Here are some photos from that:

www.funnykristin.com

Eat Pray Laugh Day 5: Feeding Turkeys

2011-09-07T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am so behind on posting the updates from the tour, so day five is short...mainly because I forgot to take pictures and videos.

On Monday morning we departed Napa for Fresno. We were performing at a Country Club Luncheon. We didn't want to miss the free breakfast at the hotel (first rule of comedy is never turn down free food) and couldn't leave until 8:30, which was the earliest they served breakfast at the Inn.

After Fresno we decided to stop at the Fresno Cheese Farm. I've performed in Fresno many times and it has become tradition to stop at the cheese farm. There is a small petting zoo behind the cheese farm (Fresno knows how to attract the tourists: put cheese and barn animals in one location), and this particular instance I felt called to feed the turkeys. Here's the documentary footage from that life changing experience.

www.funnykristin.com

Eat Pray Laugh Day 4: Stage Mishaps & Pandemonium

2011-09-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

Day 4 of our tour was also spent in Napa. We had two shows that day, so there was no sight seeing. I only performed at the evening show, but Kerri and Ron did some time in the morning at a church service.

Lucy, Kerri's 3-year-old, used to come on stage during her act. Unfortunately Lucy was banned from the stage after saying "stupid" into the microphone during a show.

Kerri decided to give Lucy another chance and had been coaching her on a short comedy bit. The bit was supposed to go like this:

Kerri: "Lucy, what do you say to Satan when he tempts you to do bad things."
Lucy: Sings the chorus of "We're not gonna take it" by Twisted Sister.
Crowd dies laughing.

Here's how it actually went during the show:

Lucy tried defending her actions (and other car craziness) during our ride back to the hotel:

We had a delicious meal after the show with our kind hosts, and I ate the most delicious cupcake from Sift, which was a bakery that won the Food Network's Cupcake Wars. I have been on an unofficial quest to find the world's tastiest cupcake, and so far Sift has taken the cake (my pun zap collar gave me a little shock.)

Kerri, Lucy, and Ruby ready for our evening show:

Me with my Sift cupcake box:

And thus concluded Day 4 of our comedy tour. And the people rejoiced. Yay. Yay. Yay.

www.funnykristin.com

Eat Pray Laugh Day 3: Caviar & Inns

2011-08-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

Many times life on the road is quick meals and crashing in chain hotels, where you spend maybe a total of eight hours the entire trip because you are getting ready for shows and then doing them. You come back to sleep a few hours before getting up to catch your flight or drive to your next destination.

On Day 3 of our tour we spent all of Saturday in Napa, and because our Saturday evening show was canceled we actually had the opportunity to enjoy the city. And it was BEAUTIFUL!

Let's talk about fancy dining. We had lunch at the Culinary Institute of America and I tried caviar for the first time. It tasted like power. I felt like I could run a Fortune 500 company after one bite.

As a child raised on the culinary prestige of Golden Corral, fine dining was a new experience for me. Apparently, the fancier the food, the higher the cost-to-portion ratio. My three bites of food cost more than an entire buffet price. (Granted, without the physical side effects from feeling like you have to "get your money's worth" at a buffet.)

My meal at the CIA, from left to right: caviar on toast, an almond, basil mozzarella

I also participated in my first wine tasting (Judge away. I drank a cumulative six tablespoons of wine I drank and it will probably be years, or forever, before I drink it again.) Kerri took me to a winery where we did the dessert wine tasting. It was delicious. I'm not usually a wine fan but we tasted at the 2011 Winery of the Year--which I conveniently have forgotten the name of--and it was splendid.

While there we stayed in the Napa Inn, which is beyond gorgeous. It is something out of a fairy tale, with each room custom designed by the owner, Brooke. Brooke and Jim, who own the Inn, are a kind, hospitable couple who do a fabulous job providing a comfortable and luxurious stay in Napa. Here are some videos/pictures I took of the Inn while there.

The room we stayed in reminded me of The Shire in Lord of the Rings, which as a Tolkien fan, I was geeked out thrilled.

www.funnykristin.com

Eat Pray Laugh Day 2: Road trips and Green Rooms

2011-08-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm just now updating Day Two because I didn't bring my computer to the northern Cali cities.

Friday afternoon we left LA, running a tad behind (I called it!). We aimed to leave at 1:30pm, and got on the road at 2:07pm. I shall present the next portion of our trip in videos and pictures.

Getting ready to leave:

What Lucy picked out at the gas station for her road trip snack:

My new joke at the Bakersfield show**:

The awesome food spread in the green room. It was delicious--they were such gracious hosts!

The whole crew (plus an extra child) getting ready to leave from Bakersfield to Napa:

Day three hopefully coming tomorrow!

www.funnykristin.com

**I can only hope the laughter in this joke is bigger than the lower quadrant of my body. I am going to have some quality time with my P90X dvds upon returning home! Or lay off the green room goodies...nah.

Eat Pray Laugh Day 1

2011-08-26T10:01:00.000-07:00

This is Ruby, Kerri and Ron's (the comedians I am traveling with) 9 month old. She is helping me update my blog this morning.

Last night I got to Los Angeles. Our plane sat on the tarmac for thirty minutes. Then I sat on the floor of LAX waiting for Kerri to pick me up. Then I sat on the curb of LAX watching the airport cop, who was either a guy or a girl, yell at cars to keep moving.

Kerri got there and I dive rolled into her passenger seat before the he-she cop could lash out at us, and promptly realized I sat in something wet.

"Um, there's something wet on the seat."

"Oh, uh, it's just water I spilled," Kerri said before abruptly changing the subject.

The car kind of smelled funny, too. Knowing she has two children under the age of four, I quickly feared that it might be something else...

"Kerri, are you sure this is water?"

"I don't want to tell you what it might be."

"Why?!"

"I brought dinner to some friends and I think it might be soy sauce."

Soy sauce?! Really!? I got out of the car after we arrived and sure enough, I looked like I had lost control. Awesome. We got home and I got attacked by Lucy, Kerri's three year old, who saw my pants and said, "Kristin wet herself!"

"Yep! My super powers came in and I have the power to excrete condiments!" Was my super mature response.

Ironically, Lucy had just gotten out of the tub because she, too, had wet herself.

I did laundry and tried to ward off Lucy's displays of affection (currently she shows affection by punching), and got this next weeks schedule:

Friday: Leave at 1:30 for Bakersfield. Show in Bakersfield this evening.
Saturday: Drive to Napa. Our Napa showed got canceled but we're going anyway and leaving the kids in the car while we go tour a winery.
Sunday: Going to church with their friends and then performing in the evening. I can't remember what city we're in, but it's close to Napa.
Monday: Show in Fresno in the afternoon, drive back to LA after.
Tuesday: Interview with a network for a reality show about Christian housewives. I am not interviewing to be on the show, but to talk to them about Kerri, who might be. Tuesday evening we are having dinner with her agent, who I will meet to possibly work with in the future when I get my "tight 40." Tuesday night we have a show in Orange County.
Wednesday-Thursday: DAYS OFF. Hooray!
Friday: Fly to Sacramento.
Saturday: Perform for a luncheon in the morning. Fly back to LA. Drive right to San Pedro for another show.
Sunday: Go to my church in Van Nuys, then leave to go home.

And then I will slip into a coma-like state to recover from the madness!

www.funnykristin.com

My 3rd Comedy Birthday

2011-08-24T20:26:00.001-07:00

Life's too short not to keep track of cheesy milestones, which is why in September I will celebrate my third comedy birthday.

In September of 2008 I decided to make stand up comedy and I more than friends. I am so glad I did. I never would have realized the depths I could hate myself until I started humiliating myself on an almost nightly basis.

Prior to September 2008 I had done some improv, a little sketch, and maybe half a dozen stand up shows. Kerri Pomarolli, who is now my mentor and sometimes a good friend, wrangled me into pursuing stand up comedy. Someday I will blog the story of how she "discovered" me.

Stand up has been a crazy journey. I have bombed worse than I ever thought possible. I've also killed better than I ever thought possible. In stand up the highs take you out of the Milky Way and the lows make you sit in a dark corner binging on them. You never like rejection, but you get accustomed to it in the same way you get accustomed to a broken toe. It hurts, but you know it won't kill you.

Three years later I have fifteen minutes of strong material, another ten of okay material, thirty seven notebooks of jokes waiting to be tried, a gypsy complex, no self esteem, plenty of apathy, and a passion and zeal for life (which counteracts the apathy). I hope I never take for granted the amazing opportunities I've been given through stand up.

For the next ten days I will be traveling around California opening for Kerri Pomarolli and Ron McGehee on their Eat Pray Laugh tour. I can't think of a better way to ring in my comedy "birthday" than opening for the people who got me into this mess in the first place.

I will be posting blogs and vlogs about my travels as my internet access allows, so keep checking back!

My bag is packed a full 21 hours before I depart for Los Angeles! This must mean I'm growing up. Usually my packing regimen involves me throwing random things into a bag fifteen minutes before I leave for the airport.

www.funnykristin.com

Painful Art of Self Examination

2011-08-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

My least favorite aspect of stand up comedy is also the part that makes me grow the most as a comedian: re-watching my sets on video.

I hate it. I'd rather get a bunch of paper cuts and go swimming in lemon juice.

Especially if I already know the show, or parts of it, were rough. Re-watching it will not add any extra laughter. Still, this step is vital as my sets gradually get longer. I finally got a tight 15. Now I'm trying to get a tight twenty five. Those extra ten minutes are a game changer in shaping my set.

When I watch my sets I take note of every flat joke, awkward physicality, and audience reaction. Not fun reliving every shortcoming, but taking note of those things means I can change the punchlines, adjust my posture, and learn to read the crowd for the next show. I am more prepared and ready for future performances. Not fun at the time, but extremely beneficially long term. I can blame a crowd, the setting, or distractions. But I can't control the crowd, setting, or distractions. I can only control myself, which is why I must get as sharp as possible.

This process is similar to growing in Christ. Recognizing sin in our lives is often painful, especially when God uses someone else to point it out. However, if we live in denial and refuse to acknowledge sin and shortcomings, they won't get fixed. Whereas if you face a sin/problem head on, it's uncomfortable and painful for a short time, and then you walk in freedom, which is totally worth the discomfort. It is God's mercy to discipline and guide us. His correction is a gift. It means He loves us.

God also gave me the gift of humor, and He put me in a century that made video equipment readily available. Taping and re-watching is being a good steward of my gifts. That's logical, right?

www.funnykristin.com

The Whig Revival Party

2011-08-20T15:43:00.001-07:00

After years of thoughtful consideration (Translation: I got bored last night), I finally decided to venture into politics. I'm doing it solely for the good of the people. This is our Campaign Launch poster. You can find and join the Facebook group The Whig Party Revival. Post a picture of you in a hat, or of a funny hat you've seen and I'll assign you an official post within the party.

Cheers mates!

www.funnykristin.com

BTS of Family Comedy Night

2011-08-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Below are pictures and video from Family Comedy Night. Out of four comedians who ALL brought cameras, we only got a collective three pictures taken. So...if someone would like to volunteer as a photographer/Flip-camera-cinematographer for the next one hit me up.

Jason getting some pre-show counseling from Peter's wife.

Me during my set. I learned it's hard to switch from producer mode to comedian mode, but eventually my brain got to where my body was.

Jason, Al, me, and Peter after the show

Now for the Behind the Scenes video:

Al does video for the first time!

All four of us get ready for the show! (Please note that Al is still eating.)

Thanks for stopping by! Check back for more updates on future shows!

www.funnykristin.com

Family Comedy Night Debrief

2011-08-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all who came out to Family Comedy Night! It was overwhelming the great response. Thanks to Jason Earls, Al Fike and Peter Wolf for killing it with their comedy.

In the next day or so I'll be putting up pictures and behind-the-scenes videos of the show, so check back here again to see those!

We are definitely planning on doing more of these soon. The next night of clean comedy to put on the calendar is Christian Comedy Night at the Addison Improv on September 29th. More information on that show is available HERE.

Peace out!

Family Comedy Night Sell Out

2011-08-15T12:42:00.001-07:00

If you want to get tickets for the Flower Mound Comedy Night this Thursday, I'd act now! Last week we had only a handful of seats reserved, and now it's 2/3 full. Reserve yours by e-mailing contactingkristin@gmail.com.

All the information is on this photographic postcard. Hope to see you there!!

Sugar/Grain Fast Day 2: Hating the world

2011-08-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

I started a 21-day sugar/grain fast yesterday. My sister is doing it for health purposes and I jumped on board to support her. I am a self-diagnosed sugar-o-holic and could use a kick in the right direction for eating better.

Today is day two. No bread with my eggs this morning. No croutons with my salad. No cupcake after each meal. Instead, my stomach is lonely and I have a lingering feeling that everything in the world is conspiring against me and my happiness.

All from cutting out sugar and grains.

Tomorrow I may have to make sure nothing sharp is in the house. Or maybe by then I'll have the life-shattering revelation that this new diet regimen gives me the energy of a three year old at bed time and the athletic abilities of a Cirque-du-soleil performer.

But for right now it leaves me with an existential feeling that can only be cured with a cupcake.

Have any encouragement? Think I'm the dumbest person ever? (Besides the people who thought Dumb and Dumber needed a sequel, who hold the "dumbest person ever" award for all of eternity.) Hit the comments.

www.funnykristin.com

Put it into poetry.

2011-08-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

People always ask if I'm trying to make comedy and writing my full time career. My answer is yes and no. I love comedy, but I also love my "day" job.

My other job besides comedy is teaching music. I teach private voice and piano to children of all ages. I absolutely love it and wouldn't mind continuing until I die. I don't plan on being in the middle of a lesson when I kick the bucket, lest I traumatize a child away from music forever, but hopefully I'll have recently finished one.

My students continue to impress me with their dedication, talent, and occasionally their randomness. One of my six-year-old students wrote a poem for me about piano. She said she really wanted to tell me how much she loved piano, and this poem burst from her soul.

Here was the poem, which she recited then gave me a written copy:

How Much I Love Piano
Piano, piano
piano, piano
piano, piano
piano, piano
Piano is great
Day and night

Then she gave me a quarter to pay for her lesson.

It's moments like that where I'm thankful that I'm still only a part time comedian.

With that said, anyone want to book me for some shows?

www.funnykristin.com

Family Comedy Night

2011-07-25T21:32:00.001-07:00

You should come. Or tell your friends who live in the area to come. It's going to be epic.

My Literary Journey: The Marketing Conundrum

2011-07-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

As a stand up comedian, writer, and hopefully soon-to-be published book author, I have had to deal with the very real aspect of marketing yourself and your work.

When I was sixteen I decided to start writing a book of stories about my ridiculous homeschool, half hippie, half military family. I completed the book and after many edits, rewrites, and feedback from friends and family, decided to submit to agents. I got a literary agent with WordServe last year based on a referral through a magazine that I contribute to monthly.

"Well, the hard part is over," I thought to myself.

Oh how naive I was in the days of yore.

A little part of me died the day I found out publishers wanted authors with a social media following.

The idea of online marketing daunted me. I cannot keep up with technology, much less the ever-expanding social networking world. (I'm going to make a great old person.) I'd always been told that talent supersedes popularity. Whoever said that didn't try publishing a book in the 21st century.

The book I originally submitted is currently undergoing massive rewrites to fit a more specific audience. We're not in a rush because I'm using this time to build my "platform."

The first, and most difficult, step was figuring out my exact platform. Was I a comedian? A former homeschooler? Would any audience relate to my book? Only homeschool audiences?

After much blood, sweat and tears, I've narrowed down my platform to the following: Former sheltered homeschooler who ended up in Hollywood at 21 and survived.**

I am an expert at knowing the experience of homeschooling, and what the transition was like going from a tight, conservative upbringing to living and working in the heart of Hollywood. My "quirky memoir," as my agent has dubbed it, is pro-homeschool, but still considered edgy in that I use my "worldly" sarcasm and dry wit. For this reason we are aiming for a secular publisher.

I started my online marketing efforts earlier this year. The progress is slow, but it's there. I'm on Facebook, Twitter, and have two blogs. I blog specifically about homeschooling once a week for another site in addition to my personal blog. I also keep up with readers of the magazine.

Most of my marketing comes through my stand up shows and speaking gigs. I have been blessed with some speaking opportunities that are directly tied to my platform. At every event I make sure people know where to find me online. I don't beg for followers, because I want to hang on to the little pride stand up comedy has let me keep. I just let them know where to find me.

So, based on second hand knowledge and first-hand experience, a successful online marketing cocktail looks like this:

Equal parts hard work, talent and persistence, shaken for a long, long, long, long time, and some luck skewered onto a tooth pick and thrown in for good measure.

For speakers and comedians, ten years seems like the magic number. If you are talented, persistent, and dedicated, a decade later you will see payoff. I've been in the stand up business 2 1/2 years and had my book agented for almost a year. So, if the 10-year rumor is true I will see success somewhere around my 34th birthday. Awesome.

What is your involvement in social media? Is it personal or for work?

www.funnykristin.com

**By "survived" I mean I didn't get addicted to drugs, alcohol, or trafficked. The culture shock was akin to if Laura Ingalls had been teleported from the prairie to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Homeschooling in the 90s

2011-07-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

I was at my grandmother's house going through pictures and I found these newspaper clippings from a story the local newspaper did on our family about homeschooling in the Spring of 1991.

And I would like to point out that yes, Lori and I did have homeschool hair. And yes, my mom is wearing the homeschool denim jumper. We wanted to do our part in establishing the stereotypes.

DMV: The great human equalizer

2011-07-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the day at the DMV getting my Texas driver's license, which (sarcasm alert) if you haven't tried it, is truly the best and possibly only decent way to spend a Monday.

The DMV is the great human equalizer. At some point in your life--rich, poor, happy, miserable--you will wind up sitting in a crowded room full of people from all walks of life united under one roof for a common purpose: driving privileges. People with sleeveless Metallica shirts sat next to retirees in polo shirts and high-wasted khakis. The punks didn't scoff at the old people and the old people didn't lecture the punks with stories of "back in my day." Instead they chatted lightly about what brought them in & how long they'd been waiting. The DMV gave them something in common. It was a scene that would make John Lenin proud.

Today's experience was a little different in that the people at the DMV were unusually happy and laid back. Wait times were 2+ hours, and there was no speeding it up. But it wasn't the grumbling, angry crowds usually encountered. I only saw two people curse out DMV employees. And for the amount of time I was there, that's not bad.

The workers shouted out happy birthday to a customer** who's unfortunate birthday gift was spending the day at the DMV. People conversed happily while waiting, and cheered for each other when their number got called. It was long, but it was far from the misery I've experienced and heard about.

It gave me a little hope for humanity. I was still glad to get out of there...approximately 2 hours and 32 minutes after I arrived.

**I'm not entirely sure if people who go to the DMV are called customers. But because I'm sleep deprived from having to get up to go to the DMV, I can't think of what else they could be called.

www.funnykristin.com

To Austin or Bust!

2011-07-08T20:38:00.001-07:00

Today was Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-fil-a, and I exchanged what little pride comedy has left me with for a free meal. Totally worth it. I'd dress like a cow any day for free food. I even got Lori to dress up with me!

Tomorrow I am going to Austin to meet with some of the speakers and leaders at an organization I'm working with that puts on conferences for homeschool moms.

I am very excited about my road trip. I haven't been traveling much lately so I'm happy to get out of town, even if just for the day. Since it's only a day trip it means I don't have to pack! Then I'll be heading back to Los Angeles for the last half of August and an unknown part of September...then we'll look at October when it gets here and see which state(s) I'll be living in for that month. Aw, the life of a hobo.

So instead of staring at an empty suitcase attempting to predict what I'll need for a trip, I am spending my Friday evening having a Mummy marathon, watching The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, which are hands down my favorite movies. I really don't need to watch them because I have both memorized, but I still enjoy them.

Peace out, my friends. I have to go to bed because I am getting reacquainted with my old pal 5:30am tomorrow.

www.funnykristin.com

Why I Don't Want a Kindle

2011-07-06T06:16:00.001-07:00

I haven't been even remotely interested in getting a Kindle or any other ebook reader. Mostly I'm just rebelling against a trend, but couple days ago I discovered yet another reason to carry the inconvenient and archaic book in my hand: they connect strangers.

I was sitting alone in a cafe reading a book when I heard an excited, "Oh my gosh! I LOVE David Sedaris."

"What a coincidence," I thought to myself. "I'm reading David Sedaris."

I looked up and one of the cafe workers was on break, eating her lunch at a table across from mine, staring at my book. I realized this statement was directed toward me.

"I haven't read that one," she continued. "But I read the one with the picture of pants on the front. I don't remember the name."

You don't judge a book by its' cover, but sometimes you can remember a book by it--yet another reason to have the real thing.

We proceeded to chat, probably a little too loudly, about Sedaris' writing, what I thought of the seven pages I'd already read (I was reading Holidays on Ice), and we exchanged the titles of a few other good books we'd recently read. I'm always looking for new books to read.

I doubt any of that would have happened if I had my i-pad on my table. The only thing you can use to start conversation with those things is "how many gigs?" or "do you think these e-readers are going to give us all eye cancer?"

Best of all, real books don't come with headphone jacks so I'm not tempted to plug in and tune out the world around me.

Nope. I like my book. I may change my mind someday, but for now I enjoy turning actual pages, putting in a bookmark, and looking at the side of the book to see how much I have left.

www.funnykristin.com

Story Saturday: The Pillow Savages

2011-06-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

Growing up my siblings and I were pillow savages. We had to be if we wanted to sleep with our head slightly propped.

Pillow savagery came directly from having a mother who refused to buy pillows. There were three or four on my parents' bed, which were not to be touched, and the five kids fought over the two remaining pillows that floated around the rest of the house.

The pillows we fought over were not exactly glamorous. They were so old, worn and flat you had to fold them three or four times to even make a difference. But despite their flaws, the five children scavenged these pillows nightly.

We always complained about not having enough pillows. Mom claimed they were hiding, and we had to find them. We never did. In fact, Mom remembers us all falling to sleep every night with at least one or two pillows each. None of the five children remember bedtime this way.

If you were fortunate enough to fall asleep with a pillow, you probably wouldn't wake up with it. When the pillow-person fell asleep, a pillow-less person would go and pull the coveted sleep aid directly from under the sleepers' head. Their head would fall six inches to the mattress with a dull "thud", and the sleeper would mumble out a groggy, "hey! That's mine!"

We left it at that. We knew the next night we'd be doing the same thing to another sibling who was lucky enough to fall asleep with a pillow.

I now sleep with two pillows on my bed. I only need one, but I have the second one because I'm a grown up, and I can. They are fluffy and luxurious, and because my mother saw imaginary pillows where there were none, I don't take the real thing for granted.

The End.

www.funnykristin.com

Moving to Belgium

2011-06-25T15:21:00.000-07:00

I have decided I am going to move to Belgium for the following reasons:

Reason #1:

Reason #2:

Reason #3:

Come on, people, is that not the cutest/most hilarious/slightly disturbing thing ever?!

www.funnykristin.com

Things that have happened

2011-06-19T20:29:00.001-07:00

Well, it's been a while since I've updated. Here's what you've missed.

1. My cilantro & potato plants lost their battle with the heat and went to garden heaven (aka: the earth).

2. My mint plant and pepper plants look like they might survive triple digit weather.

3. I went exploring through a 107 year old hotel when I probably wasn't supposed to.

4. I got a new cell phone and number, and have received constant texts from my number's former owner stating people have commented on his Facebook page. So as unawkwardly as possible I tracked him down on Facebook, and messaged him about the situation, asking him to please change his notification # on Facebook. Lori is going to write a movie based on this scenario. It may or may not star Meg Ryan.

5. I found my accordion, finally taught myself how to play via a series of Youtube tutorials, and have almost mastered 1 Yann Tiersen song. Lori has invested in ear plugs.

There's more, but I'm tired. Goodnight.

Early to bed...the saga continues

2011-06-14T03:59:00.001-07:00

I finally did it. I went to bed early last night. My lights were off by ten pm and I was asleep shortly thereafter. I snoozed happily until 4am, when my body decided it had enough of the whole sleeping thing, and woke up.

I have been awake at 4am, but usually because I haven't gone to bed yet. Getting up for the day at this hour is another story entirely.

I have caught up on all my e-mails, brainstormed ideas for my blogs and column, spent some time with God, and now I'm going to go for a run! And it's just 6am. WAHOO!

We'll see how long I'm a morning person. I'm not sure if this is a one time fluke or if I've started a habit.

Oh, and stop by my website! My dad redesigned the whole thing and uploaded it last night.www.funnykristin.com It's so much more awesome than the ghetto one I created by myself before.

Hello Cold, Goodbye Cold

2011-06-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I began recognizing the unmistakable signs of a cold starting. Headache, sore throat, and slight congestion.

It'd been a busy few days, I'd been around children all weekend, and I hadn't slept or taken vitamins. I was asking for some kind of bacteria to come play.

Rather than let the cold take over, I decided to fight back. I began taking B12 & vitamin C, I chopped up some raw garlic, got some zinc, and pulled out the ancient Chinese Wellness drops (they taste like death, but are usually effective if you take them in time). I even chopped up an onion and stuck it on a plate in my room, because I'd heard somewhere raw onions will suck up all the cold germs. I only succeeded in making my room (and everything in it) smell like onion.

But tonight, 24 hours later, my cold has not progressed. In fact, it's starting to feel better, so part of me wonders if I shocked the cold out of my system with my homeopathic regimen. Or maybe I just scared it into hiding, and it's waiting to resurface.

I should know more in the morning. Goodnight!

Early to rise, part 1

2011-06-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

Today I started my quest to get up earlier. It went well. I didn't set an alarm, but my phone alarm, which I'd forgotten to turn off, was set to 8am. And it was in the other room. And it was LOUD. I had to get up and leave my room to turn it off, and voila! I was awake for the day!

I got much accomplished between 8am-noon. I am so proud of myself right now, even though getting up early this morning was purely accidental. I want to get up at 6am so I can exercise before it hits 90 degrees...we'll see how that goes. I haven't voluntarily gotten up at six am in years.

I am finishing up some final edits on the first half of my book, and then I get to play with babies this evening in my churches' nursery while they hold an event. Life is good!

Self Discipline: The Ultimate Catch 22

2011-06-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

I am trying to be more self disciplined, but have discovered you need to GET self discipline to BE self disciplined. And you need to BE self disciplined to GET self discipline. So, where do you start?

I am wanting to get up early and have a more productive day. Years of late shows have turned me into a night owl, and most days I don't start work until 3pm so I have no pressing commitment forcing me up. I am most productive in the mornings, though, and I haven't been quite as efficient with my time as I should be.

Do you just start training your body by waking up earlier? I guess if I get sleepy enough I'll go to bed early. Now...if I can force myself to be disciplined enough to get up early a few days in a row, I'll be good!

Any suggestions? Bueller? Bueller?

Apocalypse: Not Now

2011-05-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following was written after a week of little sleep. I have chosen to keep it up, not because there is anything funny or thought provoking about this blog, but to show the dangers of using social media sites when you're sleep deprived.

In light of the recent May 21st Apocalypse hype, I would like to take this blog to share with you the different types of Apocali.** I want you to know what to expect, how scared you should be, and how to prepare.

The Zombie Apocalypse
The Zombie Apocalypse involves the dead reanimating and coming after the living, in hopes of making them dead, so they can come back to life as the undead.
Threat level: High.
Signs of impending doom: The signs of the zombie apocalypse are pretty easy to recognize. You'll see the undead meandering around with their arms stiffly in front, coming after YOU.
Best defense: The administrators of this blog suggest you use the following to get rid of a zombie: axe, shotgun, grenade, baseball bat, basically anything that doesn't light them on fire. You don't want to light a zombie on fire because they'll still chase you, they'll just chase you on fire.

The Yo Gabba Gabba Apocalypse
Probably the most frightening of all the apocali, this doomsday scenario involves the frightening characters of Yo Gabba Gabba invading the real world. (Think of it as a massive, world-wide Yo Gabba Gabba Live show.)
Threat level: Very, very high
Signs of impending doom: You will begin seeing freakish Yo Gabba Gabba characters running around, their songs pinging through your head constantly.
Best defense: Ear plugs, and something sharp to gouge out your eyes.

The Fortune Cookie Apocalypse
At some point in the future, Fortune Cookies will become self aware and some of them will go rogue and start telling misfortunes. People will go into hysterics as their post-meal paper strips say things like, "someone you love will attempt to stab you in your sleep tonight."
Signs of impending doom: People will start wigging out after eating Chinese food.
Threat level: Moderate
Best defense: The threat level for this apocalypse is lower because the defense is simple: Don't open any fortune cookies.

The Homeschool Apocalypse
The homeschool apocalypse is when all schools will be destroyed, and the people of the world will be forced to obtain their education at home.
Threat level: Virtually Non-Existent
Signs of impending doom: Educational facilities will begin spontaneously combusting.
Best defense: Learn how to grow your own food, make your own clothes, and deliver your own babies.

**The plural for Apocalypse. Don't bother checking the dictionary--I made it up.

www.funnykristin.com

Being Single

2011-05-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am attending a Singles' Conference at my church. I have performed at many a singles' conference, but never attended one.

Though I do want to get married, I am content being single. I've never felt like my life is waiting for marriage to begin. I know this contentment is a gift from God, one that I too often take for granted.

I am trying to ignore the "stigmas" that accompany a singles' conference and go in with an open heart and mind to worship God and allow Him to teach me through this.

Even though I'm content, I have frequently poked fun at my "single season" in my stand up act. I have been blessed to get to share laughter with other people in my same season. Here are a few clips of my observations about singleness:

www.funnykristin.com

Comedian Behavior Chart

2011-05-10T07:13:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am performing a lot in California (which is most of the time), I stay with my friends, Ron and Kerri McGehee, both of whom are comedians. They have two daughters, Lucy (3 years old) and Ruby (6 months). Since a house full of comedians and babies gets crazy, I keep a "point chart" for our behavior. The chart pretty much speaks for itself. (Ruby isn't included because we all know she'd win.)

www.funnykristin.com

Rejoice!

2011-05-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been reading through the Apostle Paul's letters and a few verses have jumped out at me in Philipians that I had not previously understood as deeply as I do now.

Philipians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.

I sang this in a Sunday School song as a child, but never fully grasped its meaning. When one rejoices they don't quietly consider what's happened. They shout. They sing. They tell others. They cry happy tears (which absolutely perplexed me as a kid that someone would shed tears while happy). They can't contain their joy.

I've rejoiced over earthly accomplishments before, but only in the past couple years have I truly started rejoicing in the Lord. Reflecting on the magnitude of the cross, and the depth of God's love for me because of it. The things of this earth have gradually lost their luster because I've seen the shadow of things to come. And the coming of Jesus makes me excited. I'm His child and an heir! It's made good times richer and put perspective on bad times. But through it all, I REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS!!!!

Philipians 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

This one I've mulled over. Jesus is all I truly need, and yet God has fulfilled so many earthly needs and even some wants.

In the past month alone:
He brought a last minute job my way when I didn't think I could pay a bill.

I was sitting alone in church, feeling lonely and homesick for the comfort and familiarity of my church family in Los Angeles. I was about to leave and skip the service when a woman I'd met once in Bible study called me over to sit with her.

Lastly, I had no shows on the calendar and out of the blue a friend invited me to do a show that same day, which opened a lot of doors for more comedy locally.

And the best part? I could enjoys these riches because my hope wasn't in them. It was in Christ Jesus.

My Homemade Mother's Day Card

2011-05-08T11:36:00.001-07:00

www.funnykristin.com

Happy Friday: Homeschool Ninja Power!

2011-05-06T13:49:00.001-07:00

www.funnykristin.com

Be Careful What you Google...

2011-05-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

...or you just might end up at my blog!

I check my blog stats every so often to see how many people aren't reading my sporadic musings, and my favorite part is the little section that tells you what key words people put into search engine that leads them to clicking on my blog.

So, here's what people have "searched" and unexpectedly wound up at my blog, thinking it would solve their life's problems. To all who have been on the other end of these searches, I apologize.

1. "high profile vehicles" "left lane"

2. very modest homeschool swimming suit

3. picture of my giant wedgie

4. edward cullen twilight posters

AND, my personal favorite:

5. "grape juice looking fluid coming out of wheel vibrating."

If you blog, look at your stats. How have people found you?!

www.funnykristin.com

What I've Learned From Shark Week

2011-04-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

After watching a ton of Shark Week episodes over the past five days (it's been a slow week), I've compiled a list of things I've learned:

1. Don't swim dressed as a clown.

2. You are more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash, but you are more likely to die in a plane crash than a shark attack.

3. Don't voluntarily put your hand, leg, head, hip, head, foot, fingers, eye ball, or any other body parts in a shark's mouth.

4. In order to be a shark expert, you need to wear khaki shorts and show no expression when you speak.

5. Humans eat Popsicles, sharks eat Chumsicles.

6. Chainmail isn't just for fighting medieval battles, it also is used in shark suits to protect you from--you guessed it--shark bites.

7. Chainmail shark suits do NOT protect against Great White shark bites, because they are super biters.

8. If a shark bites you, don't panic. Calmly collect your remaining limbs and bob toward the shore.

9. Sharks don't really WANT to eat humans. Except when they do.

10. Sharks are opportunistic feeders. Meaning, if the Discovery Channel film crew dumps a bunch of dead, bloody fish in the water, sharks will eat them even if they're not hungry. I can't really blame the sharks for this behavior. If someone showed up at my door with a fresh Chipotle burrito (my version of dead, bloody fish), I'd eat it, even if I wasn't hungry.

11. If you watch a lot of Shark Week episodes in a short amount of time, Netflix will suggest that you might like the movie Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. You will watch it in its entirety and come to the conclusion that it's the worst movie ever made.

www.funnykristin.com

Shark Week

2011-04-26T21:01:00.002-07:00

I am already counting down the weeks until this years' Shark Week. It always falls the week of my birthday, and an entire seven days chock full of shark documentaries is the BEST birthday gift ever.

Since I'm not doing as much traveling in the coming months, I treated myself to a Netflix account. Right now I'm going through and watching all the old Shark Week episodes that are streaming.

My favorite episode so far is "How not to Become Shark Bait." It seems obvious to me: don't get in the water. But, that's not their advice. Rather than test for normal scenarios, they put themselves in situations 99% if swimmers will never get into. I would like to know whether you should swim if you have a cut, or whether it's smart to wear a wetsuit cause it makes you look like a seal.

Instead, they do experiments to see if sharks attack people who swim dressed like clowns. One of the divers dresses as a clown to see if the sharks attack him more than usual. (Just the phrase "see if the sharks attack me more than usual" is odd.) I don't want to spoil anything, but there was some shark drama.

But, when was the last time you thought to yourself, "golly, I'd like to wear my clown suit swimming, but I'm afraid it will attract more sharks!" Uh, never.

Now I'm watching Air Jaws: Sharks of South Africa. Essentially, a shark jumps out of the water, then they cut to a "shark expert," who comments. Rinse and repeat.

www.funnykristin.com

Behind the Scenes of Comedy

2011-04-23T19:12:00.001-07:00

Lori, my older sister, accompanied Kerri Pomarolli and myself on our recent trip to San Antonio. She followed us around with a Flip Camera and caught some behind the scenes moments of what goes on leading up to and after our comedy shows. Enjoy!

Laughter and The Alamo

2011-04-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

Well, this week I got some good news and bad news. The good news is I booked six shows for December in California and Kansas...so at least I know there is an end to my break. The bad news is, due to scheduling and travel changes, I will no longer be performing in Northern Cali or Southern Cali at the end of April and middle of May. Which means...my last show for a while is TOMORROW!

Tomorrow I am taking a trip to San Antonio to do some comedy...so it's time to bust out the Alamo jokes! On the trip there I'm going to write a musical about how Texas won its independence and call it, "Oh no you Don't, Santa Anna!" It will be the first ever historical musical satire, if you don't count anything done by Mel Brooks or Monty Python.

(Fun fact: My first comedy gig was playing Santa Ana in my second grade end-of-year Homeschool Co-op Pageant. I got a huge laugh when I said I ruled Texas for 15 Glooooorious years.)

Well, I'm going to enjoy tomorrow and then regroup. Life is good, and I'm sure the Mexican food I'll eat sitting next to a river while swatting away pigeons tomorrow will make it even better!

www.funnykristin.com

When Life Hands you a Twilight Poster...

2011-04-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

...personalize it!

www.funnykristin

My Literary Journey: Part 3

2011-04-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

This is the third part of my literary journey. If you missed them, here is Part One and Part Two

While considering rewriting and resubmitting, I received an e-mail from Agent #2. He sent me a review from an editor to whom he'd given my book to get a second opinion. The editor's review was good, and she even suggested he take it on.

Despite the good review, Agent #2 still didn't think he could sell it. He just wanted to let me know the feedback. I e-mailed back and asked a couple questions about what he didn't think would sell, and included in a couple ideas about things I could change to make it fit a specific market.

I also had an idea for another humor book he liked. I wrote a couple sample chapters, and he sent them out to some publishers. They all came back as a "no." Once again, they didn't quite fit the "Christian" market.

Time for another regroup. We had a phone conference and talked about my writing style, my original book, and pinned down a specific market. My genre: "humorous/quirky memoir." My market: secular. Meaning, we will be submitting to publishers not dealing specifically in Christian books. My writing drips sarcasm and dry humor, and lacks the warm fuzzies necessary to be mass-purchased by church folk for graduations, new babies, and other huge life milestones. I appreciate books that leave me feeling like a fireplace has just been installed in my chest. It's just not how I write.

Anyhow, Agent #2, believed in my talent, and went ahead and took me on as a client, knowing my career is a long-term investment. The most difficult part of selling a memoir is that most publishers want authors who already have a "following." It's a little bit more of a guarantee that they'll actually sell books if their author already has an established name in the business.

I am not a big name. I have a few scattered fans around the country from my stand up, but publishers look at Twitter followers, Facebook fans, blog followers, etc. Basically, everything my parents told me about popularity not mattering, matters in this field.

So, now I have an agent (yay!) and no book (boo.). I am working furiously to overhaul my first book and make it much, much, much (insert an infinity of "much's" here) better. My literary journey is going to be way longer than three parts.

In a nutshell, here's what I've learned about publication to this point: Having an agent doesn't guarantee publication. Talent doesn't guarantee publication. Being published doesn't guarantee another publication. (Obviously, the security of this field is appealing.)

I'm still trying to figure out how one becomes "popular." It's not something I ever had to worry about. I was always the most popular person in my class growing up...but, then again, I was homeschooled. Oh boy. I just "out cheesed" myself.

So for now I continue to work on my book, blog, and write for stand up. I enjoy writing and making people laugh. Getting to share it with people is merely bonus.

www.funnykristin.com

My Favorite Websites

2011-04-14T10:50:00.001-07:00

Today I wanted to share with you some of my favorite, most frequented websites**:

Swimsuits: www.wholesomewear.com

If you are looking for a modest, colorful swimsuit for this summer season, check out these modest beauties. You will definitely be the talk of the pool party!

Dating Services: www.farmersonly.com

This is the perfect dating website if you're looking for a quaint, rustic life with Mr. Perfect. (Cowboy hats not necessarily included)

Pet Accessories: www.glamourdog.com

For those of you who prefer to treat your pet as a fashion accessory rather than a dignified member of the animal kingdom.

**Disclaimer: The above sites, though very real, are put on this blog in a sarcastic manner. I do not advocate wearing neoprene body suits, speed dating cowboys, or wearing your dog like a purse. Unless you want to. Then, by all means, have at it! (I can't guarantee that you won't be made fun of, though.)

www.funnykristin.com

Comedy & Identity

2011-04-13T12:16:00.001-07:00

May 14th. Not usually a significant date, but this year I keep glancing at it on my calendar.

It's the last day I have a stand up show on the schedule. It's been almost two years since my calendar has been completely empty of shows.

For the past two years my stand up career has built a lot of momentum. I've performed close to 100 times in the past year alone. Many incredible comedians who I admire and look up to have mentored and encouraged me. It hasn't been a bump-free ride, but it's been pretty incredible.

When I first started stand up several opportunities to grow and perform were thrown my way. Doors that I didn't even know existed opened and I found myself getting mentored, touring, and writing for nationally published magazines. I hadn't earned any of those opportunities. I was new, awkward on stage, and had a handful of jokes that worked. Now, I've paid my dues, have 25 minutes of fairly solid material, and yet doors that SHOULD be opening, are not. (Interesting how you seem to get more opportunities when you're not looking for them, and not necessarily ready for them.)

A well-meaning friend said this is Satan trying to derail my career. Without meaning any disrespect to my friend, I disagree. I believe God is behind these closed doors, keeping them closed. As my Father, He knows what's best for me, even when I don't see it. For whatever reason, He is gently telling me that my stand up career needs a little break. Or a long one. I don't really know.

However, this looming "break" is forcing me to check my heart. Have I turned this career into an idol? Will I feel like I am missing a vital part of who I am if I never do stand up again?

God is forcing me to evaluate where I've put my worth and identity. Is it in Him? Or is it in my success as a comedian?

I wish I could say it was completely in God, but part of me feels like I'd be "incomplete" without my comedy. And this part of me has to go. And this may be why God is taking it away from me.

I might miss it. I might wonder why others around me are seeing success when I am forced back to the open mics and the dreaded "bringer" shows. (Shows that, in order to perform, require you to "bring" a certain number of people. A nightmare to orchestrate when all your friends have already been to see you 15 times.) But I know that's not where my worth lies.

First and foremost, I am the daughter of Christ. The success and failure of this life pale in comparison to the eternal glory ahead of me. When I focus on that, I'm okay. I just have to remember to focus!

God knows what is best for me. And if He tells me it's the end of the road for stand up, I have to trust Him and rejoice in Him. And He has blessed me more than I deserve, with or without stand up. He has given me a wonderful family, an amazing community of believers to love and encourage me, and a pepper plant with two peppers growing on it! (Really, what more can an aspiring gardener ask for?!)

So, I am choosing to make the most of this season, whether it lasts a few weeks or forever. God is faithful to complete the good work He started in me. Sometimes it's not fun, but I know the results are well worth it!

Has anyone else been through a similar "valley"? What was your outcome? Just curious =)

Operation Productivity.

2011-04-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today I decided I need to be more productive. Starting tomorrow.

My Improv Debut!

2011-04-05T21:27:00.001-07:00

The following sums up my last week:
Seven days. Three cities. Eight shows. Four Chipotle Bowls. Two cupcakes. I officially declare this week a success!

Here's a clip of my homeschool stand up material from one of my recent shows. By the way, it's ONLY okay to make fun of homeschooling IF you were homeschooled =)

Visit the Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers website here!

My Comedy Website.

Show Recap

2011-03-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

I am getting back to Texas on Sunday, and I am so ready to be home! Here's a video recap of what went down in Reno. Hope you guys are having a good week!

TSA Encounter

2011-03-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that the terrorists' real agenda is to have us live in fear of what crazy airport security measure TSA's going to implement next.

I travel quite a bit and up until this past week hadn't been subjected to anything pertaining to the new airport security measures.

Airport security has always been an unpredictable experience for me. I managed to get through security with a pair of surgical scissors and a retractable syringe, but yet a trip prior my highly dangerous half-full bottle of water was confiscated. (By the way, the medical equipment was property of my mother, who's a nurse. I grabbed her bag last minute and forgot to check pockets.)

Flying out of DFW last week, however, I noticed everyone was being put through the x-ray machine as opposed to the pre-terrorist metal detectors.

As I got close I asked the security agent, "Is that one of those new x-ray machines that they just started using?"

"No, it's not," he said and quickly walked away from me, probably afraid I was going to make a fuss.

But it was the machine, and I wasn't going to make a fuss. I was simply curious.

I went into the machine, some lucky turd behind a closed door got to see me nakey, and then I was flagged for having a hair rubber band in my pocket. A poker faced TSA agent asked if I had anything else in my pants. You mean besides the awesome muscle I've developed from running three times a week? Nope. She molested my leg to make sure.

I got my bags and went on to have a very pleasant flight.

A few days later I flew out of LAX and noticed they were randomly selecting people to go through the x-ray machine. After putting my bags down on the scanner, I was directed to go through the x-ray machine. I was early for my flight, so I decided to see what happened if I opted out.

"Can I please opt out," I asked the TSA agent.

He rolled his eyes, sighed quite audibly, and shouted, "FEMALE ASSIST!" then directed me to another line. Now, the line I was directed to was out of sight of my personal belongings, which included my new laptop, which was sitting open and exposed in a bin. I tried moving so I could keep an eye on them, and the TSA Agent looked at me suspiciously.

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to keep my eye on my bags. My computer is sitting out and I don't want it to be stolen."

He nodded understandingly.

"That is the one draw back to opting out," he said. Then his whole demeanor changed. "I'm so sorry for the wait. We're a little short staffed today."

The lady who did my complimentary physical was nice and professional. She explained what would happen (I already knew from a friend who worked for TSA showed what they'd have to do) and patted me down.

"Do people give you a hard time?" I asked.

"Yeah, sometimes," she said.

And that was it. I gathered my bags, and was happy that my computer didn't get stolen.

The next day flying out of Reno, which is a tiny airport, I made best friends with TSA. As a small town airport, they knew each other, and a lot of the "regular" passengers. They laughed and smiled, and asked me about my travels. It was a small throw back to the days of travel pre-terrorism travel, when flying was actually semi-enjoyable.

Here's the bottom line: I don't think TSA Agents are demon spawn. They are human beings with souls, families, and it's a job. Probably a job they wish they didn't have. I don't even think the radiation of the machines is anything to be super concerned about (I may retract that statement if everyone in America starts growing extra limbs).

With that said, can we please get rid of these ridiculous mandatory x-ray machines and pat downs? Unless they have good reason to search you (suspicious items in bags, beep several times through metal detector, etc.) it's just wrong.

www.funnykristin.com

The Little Things

2011-03-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

I snapped this picture of my friend's 3-year-old daughter after her ballet recital. Don't you miss the days when you could get away with running around having a giant green wedgie? (And get a great blackmail picture for the future?)

Yet another break...

2011-03-22T21:22:00.001-07:00

I'm taking another blogging break. This time because I will be out of town with stand up for the next two weeks. Here's a tease on the updates you'll get when I return:

-The next chapter in my Literary Journey
-The update on my garden, and the total tally on the number of plants I've accidentally slaughtered.
-Video footage from my Improv debut (hopefully!)
-The Weber Family vs. The Rabid Racoon
-Any random adventures I encounter over the next two weeks.

What are YOU doing the next couple weeks?

See you in April!

www.funnykristin.com

My Literary Journey: Part 2

2011-03-19T16:10:00.001-07:00

This week I decided to share my literary journey on my blog. If you missed the first part of my journey, you can read it here.

This picture accurately describes the publishing industry. It's slow. Probably because pretty much every decision requires reading an entire book. It's understandable, but still hard when you're waiting for your book-publishing dreams to come true.

I didn't have to wait long to hear back initially from the two agents. One requested a full copy of the book and the other requested I fill out a proposal and send it in with as much of the book as I'd finished. I was ecstatic beyond ecstatic. I was two for two with requests for more!

This is when my patience got a workout. Agents are busy with current clients, and since accepting new ones requires reading an entire book, it's not an overnight decision. I checked my email frequently (ok, for two weeks I did pretty much nothing but press the refresh button on my e-mail page), but then tried to put it in the back of my mind. It was difficult. I tried looking at it as a character building exercise. Waiting in an on-demand culture had to be good for me, right? Who am I kidding? I wanted to know immediately!

After six weeks I heard back from Agent #1 in New York. It was a rejection. She did, however, take the time to give me feedback, which I greatly appreciated. She said the book was enjoyable, but she didn't think she could sell it because it didn't have a specific "hook." She couldn't go to a publisher and say, "this is a memoir about a homeschooler" OR "This is a story of the obstacles a small town girl overcame to become a writer." It was just a collection of random stories. She encouraged me by saying that my writing style was good, and parts of the book were even great. She said she'd be happy to look at other things I wrote. I didn't have anything else at that point to submit, but at least it was a rejection with an open door. Still, it was a little devastating.

Agent #2 (from the referral I'd had) responded a few weeks later. It was also a rejection, saying pretty much the same thing as the first agent. My book needed a more specific approach.

I finally understood the phrase, "So close, yet so far." On the one hand, I'd had two agents look at my work, and take the time to give me valuable feedback. On the other hand, I was back at square one. I tried to figure out the next step. Should I give it up? Should I try other agents? Should I make changes to my current book and resubmit?

Writing is a subjective art form and everyone usually has suggestions for you (everyone inexplicably thinks they're an expert at book publishing when they find out you're trying to publish one), so it's hard to filter through which corrections to ignore and which to use. However, if two professionals with successful careers in publishing make the same suggestion, it's probably a good idea to consider making the changes. I began combing through my book again, figuring out how I could make it stronger and more focused.

While regrouping my thoughts, I received an unexpected e-mail from Agent #2.

Part 3 coming soon...
www.funnykristin.com
For other weekly blogs by homeschoolers visit:
www.weirdunsocializedhomeschoolers.com

My Literary Journey: Part 1

2011-03-16T19:25:00.001-07:00

I am currently working on a book and recently have been reading a lot of blogs by writers, agents, and publishing professionals. I thought I'd share my experiences so far in trying to get a book published during a time when traditional publishing is undergoing a major face lift.

But first, a little background:

When I was a teenager I started writing stories about my life and family. They weren't anything impressive. I merely wrote down ridiculous things that happened around our house.

Example Story (abridged): One day while doing school at the kitchen table, my sister and brother decided to have a contest to see who could get a ketchup packet to burst the quickest. Lori won by banging her fist on the packet, but her winning action caused the ketchup to squirt all over the kitchen wall. My mom came downstairs, saw the red, and freaked out...not because it looked like someone was bleeding, but because it would leave a stain on her wall. My mom set up an interrogation to find out the truth. One by one she quizzed us on details, each of us trying to stay strong and convince her that "I didn't do it" truly did it this time! Finally I cracked and spilled everything. Our "home ec" assignment that day was scrubbing the kitchen walls.

Often I'd employ my gift of exaggeration to make the stories more exciting. Sometimes I'd change facts and spin tales, like if my mom spent extra time in her room, I'd write a story about her being recruited into a covert branch of the CIA. The reason she forced us to have "quiet time" in our rooms was because she needed to contact her handler. My homeschool mom of five children, wearer of the denim jumper, casserole connoisseur, was the last person an enemy agent from Russia would ever suspect to be spying.

I'd read the stories to family and friends to make them laugh. I never thought I'd do anything with them, but I kept them all in a binder and gradually built up an arsenal of stories. A couple years ago, shortly after starting stand up, I pulled out these stories, and started rewriting them into a book. It wasn't dramatic, and it didn't have a lot of action. It merely told the story of a quirky homeschool family living day-to-day life.

After much rewriting and self-editing (writing is one of the only areas I demand perfection of myself...in most areas of my life I am hardcore Type B), I decided to start submitting to literary agents. I briefly researched the process, though not as much as I should have, and submitted to only two agents. One was a referral from the editor of Susie Magazine, the other was one who had sold books similar to mine.

Only AFTER I submitted my queries did I start researching the statistical odds that I'd actually get a response, much less a request for anything. I braced myself for rejection...

Part 2 coming soon!

Show Recap

2011-03-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

And I'm back from my blogging break! My sister is back at college and I am back to work. I planted a new pepper plant, and am hoping and praying it doesn't meet the same fate as its cousins.

Thursday I did a show at Crossroads Coffee House in Cresson Texas. It was a family-friendly show and we had a wonderful crowd of some of the kindest people I've met. They warmly received all the comedians and I had a great time meeting and talking with everyone after.

My friends from a camp I used to work at came to watch. (My sister Kathryn is sitting to my right. She drove with me and kept me calm when I got lost.)

With Victor and Erin Tovar, the fabulous owners of Crossroads Coffee House. If you live anywhere near Cresson, go visit! Their pie alone is worth the trip.

With the show's organizer: the hilariously funny Peter Wolf.

Takin' a break

2011-03-07T09:21:00.001-08:00

I'm taking a break from blogging this week. Actually, I'm taking a break from all writing this week. My brain needs to recharge, my sister is visiting from college for Spring Break, and I have a ton of stand up shows coming up that I need to prepare for. Have an amazing week!

www.funnykristin.com

(PS: I put up new video clips of my stand up. Finally. It only took 6 million years and lots of objects thrown at my computer.)

Casualties and Surprises

2011-03-05T21:20:00.001-08:00

Today's Casualty:
I started gardening and bought a couple broccoli plants to transplant. I set the pre-grown seedlings on my back porch to hopefully thrive in the sun and fresh air while I prepared their soil. I came home tonight to find this tragic scene:

Rest in Peace, dear broccoli plant. I know you would have been tasty if you'd had the chance to reach your full potential.

Today's Surprise:
My sister Kathryn is on Spring Break from the Coast Guard Academy, and she surprised me today by buying two ferrets on an impulse buy, then informing me I'd be pet sitting for the next two years while she finished college.

So, I'm currently trying to outsource this job. Anyone interested in taking care of two adorably smelly rat-wiener-dog hybrid animals, please message me.
Here's what they look like:

They're so cute you just want to lick em', huh?

www.funnykristin.com

Homeschoolers: What we miss out on

2011-03-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

This has been a bad blog week for me because I was out of town last weekend, then catching up on work related items this week.

I recently wrote a blog for another site about what homeschoolers miss out on by not attending school. I thought it’d be fun to do a “tag blog” on my personal site and list all the things we miss out on as homeschoolers. And yes, I did make up the term “tag blog.”

So, without further ado, here are some things homeschoolers miss having:

• Lunch box and the opportunity to pack food in it.

• Backpack.
**Clarification note: We may have had backpacks and lunch boxes, but you don’t get to use them often when your bedroom is forty feet from your classroom and the classroom is also the cafeteria.

• Recess.
**Personal Story: After finding out about it, I began calling all outdoor activities recess. Playing on the swing set: recess. Going to get the mail: recess. Trapping my brother in the sandbox: recess, then a visit to the principal.

• Visits to the school nurse.

• Lockers.

• Switching classes.

• Lice scares.

• Bullying that didn’t fall under the banner of “sibling rivalry.”

• Marching band/brass instruments in general.

• Team sports with teams that actually won.

• Excuse notes from the Dentist and Doctors office. (Seriously, Dad, would it have hurt to let them give me one?!)

What else do homeschoolers miss out on? Feel free to add on to the list!
www.funnykristin.com

Things I dislike #567: Packing

2011-02-23T16:43:00.001-08:00

I love traveling. I detest packing.

All the details. All the planning ahead. All the organizing.

I'd rather have a root canal.

I am leaving tomorrow morning for Los Angeles and I have to pack. I have come up with a lengthy list of things to do to avoid packing. This includes, but is not limited to: counting the grooves on the ceiling, seeing if I can pick up extra terrestrial contact using our painfully outdated television antenna, and blogging.

Suddenly I had a Mary Poppins-esque epiphany while trying to get the bunny ears to pick up ABC. If I motivated myself to complete the odious chore of packing instead of avoiding it, I'd be done and could go back to counting the tiles on our kitchen floor!

Here's what I came up with:

1. Put on an episode of my favorite television show and see if I can complete all my packing by the time it ends.

2. Put my i-tunes play list on shuffle. Pack for a song, pout for a song. Repeat until finished.

3. Promise myself ice cream if I finish. Complete task before all ice cream stores in vicinity close.

4. Spend the entire time hating Adam and Eve for eating the forbidden fruit, which made us realize we were naked, which made us need clothes, which is the reason I have to pack.

Fortunately, I did have the foresight to do laundry, so at least I won't be wearing my clothes inside out. Ok. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna pack now.

Really, I am.

For real this time.

Random Thoughts

2011-02-18T19:52:00.001-08:00

While reading through some news I saw that Paris Hilton received a $375,000 car for her birthday. I was struggling with jealousy, but then I realized she'll probably never experience the inexplicable joy of realizing you can pay all your bills this month and still have $3 left over.

Also, while just doing some editing it came to my attention that the word just has just become a new "filler" word. Like like like used to be in the late 90s. (You'll have to say that last sentence several times aloud to get the appropriate inflection right and just like know what I mean.)

That's it. Have a good evening!

True Love, as demonstrated by my parents

2011-02-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

I was over at my parents' house the other day, enjoying some chicken nuggets and juice at the kitchen table. As I reconnected with my inner seven year old, my mom and dad came into the kitchen. My parents, who learned to tune out the presence of their children long ago, didn't notice me, and I witnessed a conversation demonstrating the true, deep love shared between them.

"Marge, for Valentine's Day I'm going to download a picture of a rose for you, okay?" my dad said.

"Ok. That's fine. I just hope you know how good you've got it," replied my mom.

"Well, you realize how good you've got it, right?"

"Yes, I know."

"So it's ok that I don't get you anything else for Valentine's Day?"

"Yep. That's fine.

Aw, true love.

To my future husband: if I'm romantically challenged, blame your in-laws.

www.funnykristin.com

Ten things you'll never hear a homeschooler say

2011-02-10T11:21:00.000-08:00

There are ten things you will never (or at least very rarely) hear a homeschooler say.

1. I'm an only child.

2. Lindsey Lohan is my role model.

3. Family time isn't very important.

4. Man, I wish I went to public school!

5. Duh.

6. I was at a Bieber concert last night...

7. I think I'm going to shave my head.

8. I've never had casserole.

9. It is very important to me that my socks match the rest of my clothes.

10. My family is democrat.

So, what else would you rarely hear a homeschooler say? Feel free to chime in!!! =)

Teaching and LA

2011-02-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

In two weeks I will be going back to LA. I have a couple shows out there, but I think the highlight of my trip will be seeing some of my music students. Since comedy doesn't pay all my bills yet, I supplement it with teaching music. I absolutely love working with kids and watching them grow and find their style and talent for music. It doesn't feel like a "day job." I am so thankful I get to do something I enjoy while I pay my dues in the comedy/writing world.

In LA I work with a small group of girls on worship songs. I started teaching these kids when they were 6, 7, and 8 years old. They all loved God and loved singing worship songs, so I decided to work with them as a group.

Anyhow, whenever I am in Los Angeles we get together and sing as a group. They are now working on Mighty to Save, and I am anxious to hear them sing it in person in a couple weeks.

Here are my girls singing Revelation Song at the December recital. Sophie is playing the piano, and Abigail and Kennedy are singing.

Comedy and Sinus Infections

2011-02-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

When I first started stand up I always got so nervous before a show I felt nauseated and light headed before performing. Once I even brought a plastic bag on stage with me I was so convinced I would lose my dinner in front of the crowd.

Last weekend (before I went to watch Toddlers & Tiaras film) I performed at a woman's conference in Houston. It was a blast...except I was sick. Not just a little sick. A lot sick. It's been a while since I've felt like a truck ran over me. I was extremely congested (which is my least favorite kind of being sick because you can't even rest comfortably) and desperately wanted to have a clear head for the show. So I took an Allegra. A couple hours later I was still congested so I took a Tylenol Cold and Sinus. An hour later I was STILL congested so I took a Claritin D, courtesy of Kerri Pomarolli.

Suddenly my heart started racing, my hands shook, and I got really anxious. I asked Lori (who is a nurse and accompanied me on the trip) what would cause my tremors and heart palpitations. She asked what I took, and I told her.

"You took ALL THREE of those within a few hours of each other?! Kristin, you just triple dosed yourself on pseudoephedrine!" Lori exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

Oops. How was I supposed to know? I didn't have any of the boxes that the came in, and they all had different names!

Long story short, I didn't die of pseudoephedrine overdose (though I was very uncomfortable for a couple hours from the heart palpitations), but my congestion never cleared up, and I lost my voice before the show. I croaked through my set, thankful for powerful microphones. Here's hoping that I don't have to do that again any time soon! Okay, I'm done whining now.

Oh! Fun tidbit: Bob Smiley popped in to do a guest set--it was the first time I had an opener! He warmed up the crowd before I went up feeling like death warmed over. I almost performed with Bob on the Susie Magazine Cruise before it got canceled, so it was fun to meet him and his wife and see him perform. He's hilarious! Kerri performed, too.

(A little montage of Bob's, my, and Kerri's comedy performances. See if you can hear my voice crackling!)

(Getting ready for the show--Lori is in the background. Kerri is in the foreground.)

Toddlers and Tiaras (Part two)

2011-02-01T21:31:00.001-08:00

I came straight to the T&T pageant from a show in Houston. Lori, my trusty sister and travel buddy kindly drove so I could sleep. I had a full-blown sinus infection and felt like a truck had hit me. Since I’d been traveling I hadn’t gotten to the doctor’s to get antibiotics. Lori asked if I wanted to skip it and just go home.

“NEVER!!!!!!!!” I croaked out. “I’ve been living for this day for months!”

I pumped myself full of drugs and stuffed my pockets with Kleenexes. (If you look close in the audience during the episode you’ll probably see me in the background blowing my nose. Classy.)

We arrived around 11:30am and, as we walked in, passed several contestants. The “glitz” make up on a four year old is even more disturbing in person. One little girl, who couldn’t have been more than three or four, was in a skin-tight two-piece leopard print outfit, giant hair piece, and 10 pounds of makeup.

We went inside and checked in with the crew, and I met with the field producer I’d been instructed to find. The FP told me she was going to get an interview with me. I didn’t know they were planning to have me on camera…as was evident by the lack of effort I’d put into my personal appearance. They asked about my stand up, what I liked about pageant shows, and what I was expecting from the pageant. The crew was very nice and fun. I also enjoyed seeing how they shape the interviews.

(Hanging out waiting to do my interview)

(Doing my interview. I felt legit.)

After my interview Lori and I went in and watched the pageant. When filming, the T&T crew requires anyone who watches the pageant to sign a release saying it's ok to show their face. We signed our releases and found our seats. There were three categories to this pageant: beauty, outfit of choice (or, more accurately, your pageant mother’s choice), and American wear.

American wear was by far the most entertaining/appalling. We watched little girls perform strip tease-esque routines wearing a variety of skimpy outfits in patriotic colors and camo.

The best (and by best, I mean “most shocking”) was a little girl who came up wearing camo fatigues and did a hip hop dance to Soulja Boy. The music then stopped, she shouted, “We salute the troops!” (I can’t remember exactly what she said…but it was something like that.) She then ripped off the camo to reveal a skin-tight skimpy red-white-blue outfit, the music changed to Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA, and she finished her routine shaking it to that.

I’m not sure who was working it more: the kids or the moms doing the routine for their kids behind the judges. For some it looked like the most exercise they got in a while. (Sorry…too mean?)

Here’s what I didn’t realize from watching T&T: pretty much every contestant gets some sort of prize/title. In some age groups there were only two girls. So…where is the actual competition? Well, the true winner is the person who wins the “Ultimate Grand Supreme.” That is the real winner. The rest are fake winners.

(What everyone was competing for)

There was so much more, and I am working on incorporating more of this field trip into my stand up. But to summarize, here are the most important lessons I learned from this pageant:

1. Candy is an excellent reward for both good AND bad behavior.
2. If you want to fit in and encourage a competitor, shout: “get it, girl!” Preferably at least a dozen times per minute. If you get sick of shouting that, switch to: “sparkle, baby!”
3. It is okay to strip as long as you are doing it to honor our soldiers.
4. A fall, spray tan, and access to a sequin gun will greatly enhance your natural look.

That's it! Remember to watch Toddlers & Tiaras on Wednesday nights @ 10/9c on TLC! You won't be able to stop!

Toddlers and Tiaras (Part One)

2011-01-31T13:38:00.000-08:00

Wow. I don’t even know where to begin…so I’ll start at the very beginning. (Julie Andrews tells me it’s a very good place to start.)

A couple years ago I was flipping through channels and stumbled onto the reality show Toddlers and Tiaras. I’m not usually a reality show person. I’m always skeptical that there is anything “real” about them. But this show caught my attention. There were little girls made up like they were 28 years old and about to head on stage looking like Vegas Showgirls.

Other than Miss America, I didn’t know much about pageants. Homeschoolers aren’t really pageant people. Although, I think it would be fun to see some glitzed-out denim skirts and watch girls walk across the stage trying not to trip on their long hair. We once got a pamphlet in the mail advertising the registration for some Texas pageant.

“What’s this?” I asked my mom.

“Fire kindling.”

The most disturbing part of these pageants is the parents (more specifically, the moms) who push them into it. They claimed the pageants boost their girls’ self esteem (I guess it does for the girl who wins the “most beautiful” category. For the other kids…maybe you’ll be prettier next time.) The show is disturbing, but since I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I figured I might as well watch. The more I watched, the more sickeningly hilarious I found it…especially how none of the moms seemed to think there was anything wrong with these pageants.

I began working material about this show into my stand up act. The Toddlers and Tiaras segment of my act is by far my favorite set of jokes to perform. It’s definitely a little on the mean side, but then again, putting your four year old in high heels, waxing their eye brows, and cramming on fake teeth doesn’t inspire sympathy.

Everyone who has seen T&T is thinking the same thing: what are these parents thinking?! And with all the money they are spending on pageants, will they have any left for the therapy that is going to be vitally necessary for these kids to function normally?

One day my friend and “comedy mentor” Kerri called me. (www.kerripom.com, go say hi. Tell her I sent you.)

“Hey, I’m about to be your best friend,” she said. “There’s someone here who wants to speak with you.”

This someone happened to be the executive producer of Toddlers and Tiaras, who Kerri knew through a mom’s group. She told her about my stand up, and had her give me a call. I was pretty excited. We talked about the show and I asked about some of the behind-the-scenes stuff. She said she can sleep at night knowing she was exposing these moms. I’m pretty sure I said something extremely corny at some point like, “you’re my hero.”

After the phone call, we kept in touch every so often via e-mail, usually discussing the show. She gave me an advance copy of an unaired episode, which has joined the ranks of my Molly Leg and Fantastic Four Arm as my most prized possessions.

Then came the really, really exciting part. Kerri, once again, became my best friend when she suggested to that they have “take your favorite comedian to work day.”

The thought of getting to see an actual pageant and see how they shoot the show thrilled me. We kept in touch, and found a date that they were shooting in Texas. I had a show not far from that area the day before, so it worked out great. For me, who has been a long time fan of the show, and now built a portion of my stand up career around it, was a dream come true.

Next, on PART TWO, I will tell you about the actual pageant day. Use the time between now and that post to take a lot of deep breaths.

Homeschool and High Fashion

2011-01-26T11:41:00.000-08:00

A veteran homeschooler and friend of mine sent me this picture yesterday.

The e-mail read:
So I saw this picture of a recent fashion show on the Satorialist's website and realized that homeschool moms can now tell their children that the way they dressed them is now the style. I'm sure they will say that the rest of the world is trying to imitate them because obviously they are doing everything right.

My friend stumbled onto something astounding with this polo-shirt-with-the-v-neck-sweater photo…someone is making millions off a style we were mocked for sporting. This might be the first time someone has gone to the homeschool community for fashion inspiration. I always thought homeschoolers were a little behind the times with fashion. But maybe we were just ahead of it. (Although...I don't follow fashion...so maybe this has been popular for a while and I'm just unaware.)

Personally, it takes me at least a year to catch up with trends. I have to wait for the current “fashions” to hit the clearance rack or Goodwill before I can incorporate them into my wardrobe. This, however, has little to do with my homeschooledness and everything to do with my amazingly lucrative career choice.

Homeschoolers have a distinctly unique fashion sense. We like khakis. We like denim…specifically long denim skirts. Boys like polo shirts and v-neck sweaters (like super cool model in the picture) and girls wear loose fitting, modest shirts that won’t “cause our brother to stumble.”

In general homeschoolers have one of three looks:

1. The Economy Look: these are the Goodwill/hand-me-down families. Generally these kids wear khakis, denim skirts, and solid color polos or buttoned blouses (tucked in). These items are usually made with a lot of “wear” and they’re never really “in” fashionably, but they’re never really outdated either. These families look like they dress on an assembly line (the Duggars sport this fashion very well.)

2. The Professional Look: These are the kids who look constantly prepared to give a political presentation on the ramifications of socialism. Suits, the above polo/sweater combination, polished shoes, and socks that actually match.

3. The “Mom’s got other priorities today” look: pajamas and sweats. My personal favorite.

If you quickly want to determine whether someone was homeschooled, just look at the length of their pants. Our pants are often just a little shorter. The cuff of the pant generally reaches the ankle, no further, and when crossing one’s legs, rides up to low-calf to generously reveal our Costco economy pack socks.

I had coffee the other day with a former homeschooler (both of us had pants that barely touched our ankle), and we tried to figure out the reason for this little fashion nuance. Could it simply be coincidence that homeschoolers have unusually long legs? I don’t know. How would I get an official “study” rolling about this?

Your thoughts? There are many other fashion choices I didn't touch on. Feel free to add on to the list.

Creepy old men and traffic

2011-01-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

I am back in Los Angeles.

While waiting at the airport curb for my bus, an elderly man came up to me and asked if I could call his hotel for him. He said he didn’t have a cell phone, and the hotel hadn’t sent a shuttle. He gave me a print out from hotels.com, and I found a number, and called.

My bus pulled up while I was on the phone navigating through a series of recordings, trying to get to an actual human being to request a shuttle for this poor, stranded, old man. I contemplated skipping this bus to make sure he got a ride, but the buses are so unpredictable I was afraid it would be another hour.

To assuage my guilt, I told him I would call again on the bus for him.

As I stood in line to board my bus, an elderly woman, whom I assume was his wife, showed up. She saw him talking to me and glared at her husband. He looked at her and mumbled something about a calling for a shuttle.

“What are you doing?” his wife barked. “You know our son is coming to get us!”

I laughed, cringed, and got on my bus.

The two hours of traffic the bus sat in was just long enough to make me forget the whole thing. Good ol’ LA.