Kristin's Guide to Being a Youth Leader

Warning: This is satire.**

I recently began volunteering with the high school ministry at my church. After a little observation I've come up with a list of things you need to do if you want to connect with high school students at youth group:

1. Give high fives. Lots of them. There is no such thing as too many high fives.

2. If you're a guy leader have a football or soccer ball in your hands. At all times. No exceptions.

3. Say "that's awesome!" a lot. I think the conversational rule is you need at least one "that's awesome" for each year of the student's age.

4. A well placed "Wuzzup!" goes a long way in breaking the ice.

5. Play an instrument for worship. The list of acceptable instruments you can play for youth, from coolest to least coolest, is as follows: Electric guitar, acoustic guitar, drums, bass, keyboard, piano, ukulele, violin, tambourine, castanets, kazoo. If your primary instrument is the cello or a woodwind instrument, God probably hasn't called you to high school ministry. (No offense to my fellow musicians, but have you ever seen anyone lead worship at youth camp with a flute?)

6. Blast their ears with really loud music during worship, then admonish them to listen.

7. Have pizza. Because if they don't like your personality, speaking style, or music, they'll like you because they associate you with pizza.

8. Be genuine. At least pretend to be.

**Mostly.

www.funnykristin.com

Homeschooling in the 90s

I was at my grandmother's house going through pictures and I found these newspaper clippings from a story the local newspaper did on our family about homeschooling in the Spring of 1991.

And I would like to point out that yes, Lori and I did have homeschool hair. And yes, my mom is wearing the homeschool denim jumper. We wanted to do our part in establishing the stereotypes.

Comedian Behavior Chart

Whenever I am performing a lot in California (which is most of the time), I stay with my friends, Ron and Kerri McGehee, both of whom are comedians. They have two daughters, Lucy (3 years old) and Ruby (6 months). Since a house full of comedians and babies gets crazy, I keep a "point chart" for our behavior. The chart pretty much speaks for itself. (Ruby isn't included because we all know she'd win.)



www.funnykristin.com

What I've Learned From Shark Week

After watching a ton of Shark Week episodes over the past five days (it's been a slow week), I've compiled a list of things I've learned:

1. Don't swim dressed as a clown.

2. You are more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash, but you are more likely to die in a plane crash than a shark attack.

3. Don't voluntarily put your hand, leg, head, hip, head, foot, fingers, eye ball, or any other body parts in a shark's mouth.

4. In order to be a shark expert, you need to wear khaki shorts and show no expression when you speak.

5. Humans eat Popsicles, sharks eat Chumsicles.

6. Chainmail isn't just for fighting medieval battles, it also is used in shark suits to protect you from--you guessed it--shark bites.

7. Chainmail shark suits do NOT protect against Great White shark bites, because they are super biters.

8. If a shark bites you, don't panic. Calmly collect your remaining limbs and bob toward the shore.

9. Sharks don't really WANT to eat humans. Except when they do.

10. Sharks are opportunistic feeders. Meaning, if the Discovery Channel film crew dumps a bunch of dead, bloody fish in the water, sharks will eat them even if they're not hungry. I can't really blame the sharks for this behavior. If someone showed up at my door with a fresh Chipotle burrito (my version of dead, bloody fish), I'd eat it, even if I wasn't hungry.

11. If you watch a lot of Shark Week episodes in a short amount of time, Netflix will suggest that you might like the movie Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. You will watch it in its entirety and come to the conclusion that it's the worst movie ever made.

www.funnykristin.com

Shark Week

I am already counting down the weeks until this years' Shark Week. It always falls the week of my birthday, and an entire seven days chock full of shark documentaries is the BEST birthday gift ever.

Since I'm not doing as much traveling in the coming months, I treated myself to a Netflix account. Right now I'm going through and watching all the old Shark Week episodes that are streaming.

My favorite episode so far is "How not to Become Shark Bait." It seems obvious to me: don't get in the water. But, that's not their advice. Rather than test for normal scenarios, they put themselves in situations 99% if swimmers will never get into. I would like to know whether you should swim if you have a cut, or whether it's smart to wear a wetsuit cause it makes you look like a seal.

Instead, they do experiments to see if sharks attack people who swim dressed like clowns. One of the divers dresses as a clown to see if the sharks attack him more than usual. (Just the phrase "see if the sharks attack me more than usual" is odd.) I don't want to spoil anything, but there was some shark drama.

But, when was the last time you thought to yourself, "golly, I'd like to wear my clown suit swimming, but I'm afraid it will attract more sharks!" Uh, never.

Now I'm watching Air Jaws: Sharks of South Africa. Essentially, a shark jumps out of the water, then they cut to a "shark expert," who comments. Rinse and repeat.

www.funnykristin.com

When Life Hands you a Twilight Poster...

...personalize it!



www.funnykristin

My Favorite Websites

Today I wanted to share with you some of my favorite, most frequented websites**:

Swimsuits: www.wholesomewear.com

If you are looking for a modest, colorful swimsuit for this summer season, check out these modest beauties. You will definitely be the talk of the pool party!

Dating Services: www.farmersonly.com

This is the perfect dating website if you're looking for a quaint, rustic life with Mr. Perfect. (Cowboy hats not necessarily included)

Pet Accessories: www.glamourdog.com

For those of you who prefer to treat your pet as a fashion accessory rather than a dignified member of the animal kingdom.


**Disclaimer: The above sites, though very real, are put on this blog in a sarcastic manner. I do not advocate wearing neoprene body suits, speed dating cowboys, or wearing your dog like a purse. Unless you want to. Then, by all means, have at it! (I can't guarantee that you won't be made fun of, though.)

www.funnykristin.com