Comedy and the art of Fear Maintenance

Someone after my show today told me they love comedy, but weren't brave enough to try it.

"Neither am I," I thought.

I have a myriad of fears related to comedy and writing. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

• That I don’t have enough talent.
• That I won't be universally loved. 
• That I'll be "funny for a girl."
• That the pay off won’t be worth the time and effort I put in.
• That the constant travel will make me lonely and detached and social media (which I'm failing at, see my last blog) will become my main outlet to meaningful relationships.
• That people will steal my material.
• That I’ll accidentally think of things other people are already doing and it’ll look like I’m the one stealing material.  
• That the frequency of flying will increase my chances of dying in a plane crash. (Although I hear in the case of most plane crashes the cabin depressurizes and you just fall asleep. In that case, I'd actually achieve two of my life goals: sky diving and dying in my sleep.)
• That I won't be able to think of a perfect punchline. 
• That I'll think of the perfect punchline at 3am, convince myself I'll remember it in the morning, go back to sleep, and then wake up having forgotten it.
• That I'll bomb when the guy I like is in the audience.
• That I'll bomb when anyone I know is in the audience.
• That I'll fail entirely. Whatever that even means.  

I've heard people give huge spiels about how they got over their fears and live free of any hesitation or trepidation. (Always remember that as Christians, all our struggles must be past tense. We're not allowed to have any current ones...at least not if we're reading our Bibles and having TWTL on a daily basis. Apparently.) So I must be doing something wrong if I'm still afraid and I'm doing the very thing I'm afraid of. Wait, does that even make sense?

I continue doing comedy, not because I'm terribly gifted, but because I love it. I love it even when I'm not the one doing it. I love watching comedy, reading comedy, reading about comedy (yes, those are two different things), talking about the philosophy behind comedy, and being around funny people. Writing and performing comedy seemed the logical next step in my obsession with laughter. I'm privileged to get to do it on any level, and still can't believe some of the opportunities I've been given through my "out of control hobby."

Success looks different for everyone. (And yes, I'm aware that's probably what people say when they're failing.) I figure as long as I'm having fun and people are laughing, I must be succeeding. So, my fears and I will continue on with this incredibly random, sometimes sleep depriving journey. With that, I'm going to bed.

If you're reading this, it means I mustered up the courage to press the "Publish" button.

So, am I the only one who struggles with fear in what they're already doing? Bueller? Bueller?

I'm Flunking Social Media

I've been a little silent on blogs lately, mostly because I've been working on a book that's due at the end of this month. What's that you say? A book?! Yes, I think I can finally announce that I signed a publishing contract with Barbour Publishing. (It feels surreal to even type that.) Anyhow, because of the whole book-publishing process I've been evaluating my social media status, as authors are expected to maintain an "online presence."

The conclusion? I'm failing.

There are several reasons for this:

1. I am lazy. (It's okay to confess struggles online, right? People are pretty understanding and supportive when you put anonymity and free speech into their hands? Great.)
     Figuring out each site takes time. And it's time I'd prefer to spend rotting my brain on Hulu or playing outside with my ducks. (Oh, yeah. I had a momentary lapse in will power and got pet ducks. More on that another time.)

     I also know that if I did get on all these sites, I'd be hopelessly addicted and waste even more time. So in this case I feel like my tendencies toward laziness and addiction are canceling each other out. It's your classic case of two negatives equaling a positive. I think that's how that math concept worked...

2. I am technologically stupid.
     The only social media outlet I'm decent at navigating is Facebook (@Kristin.weber1) and I recently learned that it's no longer cool cause we're all switching to snappier sites that require even less of an attention span.

      I'm on Twitter (@Kristinweb), but we're not doing so great. I don't know how to add emojis, I just today figured out what a hashtag actually does, and I really want to know how I can get two pictures next to each other so I can participate in things like Transformation Tuesday. (Although mostly I think we're just making up excuses to post pictures of ourselves in ways that don't seem too narcissistic.)

 3. I don't have the hardware for it.
     iStill don't have an iPhone, which is part of the problem. Although I did recently upgrade from a flip-phone to a slide-out phone, so when people start getting cell chips implanted in their brains for communication, I'll probably be ready to try an iPhone 3 or something. A random stranger in the airport asked if I was trying to make a statement with my flip phone. The statement is simple: I can't afford it. I gotta keep my debt snowball moving. (Dave Ramsey reference, FTW!)
   
    I am making some progress. I got iPad recently and with it, Instagram. (@writerkristin, though just as a heads up I've mostly posted an obnoxious amount of pictures of my ducks.) I've really enjoyed seeing the endless stream of selfies, pictures of legs outstretched with a book, and gourmet dinners. Maybe someday someone will invite me over to share one of those meals, but until then, I get to live vicariously and look at their photo while eating a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich for the 15th night in a row.

    I'll make a great old person, but until then, I'll just have to accept that I'm a little behind the times.

How do you keep up with social media? Do you have any tips for me?

                Oh, and here's a picture of Frances the Duck. (Yes, his hair is natural.)
                             


kristinweberonline.com

The Truth about Church Youth

                      In Christ alone my worth is found, all other ground is sinking sand. 
                                 

I just got back from my church's annual youth retreat, which means I'm spiritually energized, a little mentally and emotionally spent, and in desperate need of a nap and some green vegetables.

For the past two years I've led a homegroup through my church for a group of girls at a local high school. I started with these girls when they were juniors, and this year I get to watch them graduate and go off to college.

Recently I read a statistic that 70% of church-going youth will walk away from their faith during their first year of college. Some studies show that number as higher. That means, statistically speaking, only five of the approximately fifteen girls who come each week will still claim to be Christian by this time next year. That number breaks my heart, but it doesn't surprise me.

I've talked to students who've praised with their hands in the air, followed along in their Bibles, and even dropped a Facebook status here and there about how God is their "main man," but when asked if they know Jesus and are confident in their salvation, respond with a hesitant, "I'm not sure" or "I really just want to experience life before I make that decision." They know how to play the game, not grasping that winning this particular game means losing your soul.

In the effort to make Christianity "attractive" to teens, churches have left out the most alluring component: Jesus Christ Himself. We've told them things not to do, taught them how to make good choices, and failed to mention that apart from Christ, all of these things are like filthy rags.

I'm blessed to be at a church who realizes this, and is more interested in discipling students than entertaining them. I love my church for that.

"Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity." 1 Timothy 4:12

I think we underestimate youth. They are capable of dealing with hard truths way more than we give them credit. For the past few years I've met weekly with one of my teens to simply read and study the Bible. While reading through Romans, we got stuck discussing the difficulty of Romans 9. Go read that chapter for yourself. It's a tough one. After reading and me attempting to explain, she looked me straight in the face and said, "knowing this makes me not want to believe."

In that moment, I wished we'd picked a different book. We kept reading, praying, and discussing. At the end of Romans (which brought up many more challenging and deep conversations) I asked her if she still believed. She did.

In fact, I've seen this young lady's faith grow and in turn, she is now discipling younger students. Over the past 18 months we've read at least half a dozen books of the Bible together, and our little group of two has grown and a few other girls join us before school one morning a week to read and discuss the Bible. Getting to witness these girl's growth has truly been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. They still voice doubts and questions, but they love the Lord and with each doubt addressed they grow in faith and knowledge.

"So too at the present time there is a remnant, chosen by grace." Romans 11:5

Teenagers come to Christ the same way adults do: through the movement of the Holy Spirit and knowing what Jesus did for them on the cross. Teens are saved in small town, no-frills baptist churches. Teens are saved through high-octane youth retreats. Teens are saved sitting next to random strangers on long airplane rides. Grace is the common denominator behind every conversion.

God doesn't need our laser shows, our trendy music, or hip youth group names. God can, and does, absolutely use those tools. But they are just that: Tools. I do not have the power to change anyone's heart. I can only speak the truth, love and disciple them as best I can, and pray (and sometimes beg) that God will be mighty to save.

And on that Hope, young and old, we stand. Because all other ground truly is sinking sand.

A Right Brainer's Guide to Organization

I am 100% right brained. I love bright colors. I hate keeping track of details. In coffee shops I like to sit facing the door so I can see people come and go. 

When I have to do math my vision gets fuzzy and my blood pressure rises. I get distracted easily. I'm usually reading 7 books at a time. I will probably finish none of them. I work better with noise in the background. One minute I'm e-mailing a music client and the next I'm googling how to raise a peahen.

My brain is a pretty fun place, but sometimes it's frustratingly disorganized.

If I saw a doctor I'd probably be diagnosed with some sort of adult ADD. I think that God gave me a very eclectic, creative brain, but the downside is that it's always going, and rarely stays focused on one thing. Rather than medicate I've decided to recognize the pitfalls and instill some discipline.

Here are a few things I do to maintain some semblance of organization and sanity. Some may be obvious, but hopefully they can help my fellow right-brainers.

1. Keep a small notebook and pen handy at all times. Jot down things as you think of them, because despite how important or great an idea it is, you won't remember it later. As a bonus, it makes you feel like Steve from Blues Clues.

2. Have a morning routine, even if it's just one or two steps. I try to make my bed and drink some water. (Cause making the bed can be dehydrating...plus the Internet told me drinking a glass of water in the morning helps my internal organs function optimally.) 

3. Make to-do lists. Before I go to bed I "draft" my next day. I'll put a "morning," "afternoon" and "evening" block and write generally what needs to get done in those times. If I have cookies on hand, I'll eat one. 

4. Keep up with general good health habits. Exercise, take vitamins, limit coffee, sugar, etc. I do terrible with this 50% of the time, but when I stay on top of basic health habits, I focus better.

5. Create an organization system that works for you so you don't end up on hoarders. I don't know how to organize...so I keep designated "piles" for things: comedy material pile, important document pile, music pile, etc. I don't have a filing cabinet, color coded or alphabetized system. If someone starts an organization system for me, I can keep it up, but I'm lousy at coming up with them. (hint, hint)  

6. Write down everything important in one place. I keep a paper calendar (not an electronic one) with writing deadlines, appointments, and comedy show info w/ all flight/hotel information written on it. Otherwise I will lose everything. 

7. When all six of the cup holders in your car have old drinks in them, clean it out. 

8. Accept that your life will always be a little cluttered. It's a small sacrifice for the fun and spontaneity that saturates a right-brainer's life.  

Are you a right brainer? How do you keep organized?

 www.funnykristin.com

There's a Man in my Pants!

A few months ago I received the most amazing advice on how to get a husband. After one of my shows a middle age lady came up to me and posed the following question:

"I know you joke about being single in your act, but is getting married something you want?"

"Sure, when I meet the right guy," I responded.

"No," she said firmly. "If you're serious about wanting to get a husband, here's what you need to do. You need to get a pair of men's pants and hang them on the end of your bed. Then you pray to God every night to fill those pants with the perfect man." 

I almost started laughing, but there was no hint of joking in her voice.

Oh my, I realized. She's serious! And she wasn't finished.

"But you're tall," she added thoughtfully. "So you want to hang a big pair of pants so you get a tall man."

"My dad is tall," I interjected. "Can I just use a pair of his pants?"

"Oh no, sweetie. That's a little weird," she said, looking mortified.

Good! I was wondering where the bar for "weird" was. It definitely had been raised in this conversation. And she still wasn't finished.

"Go to Goodwill and pick up a pair of pants there," she finished.

"I don't want a used man!" I thought to myself. My thoughts were interrupted, though, as she continued talking.

"That's what I did when I was ready to get married. I hung those pants up, prayed, and then I joined Christian Mingle and found my husband!"

There were so many crazy wise cracks going through my head. I got the sense this wasn't the kind of person who would take teasing. (It's much less rude, and requires less of a spine, to blog about it later.) Instead I smiled and said, "thank you for the advice."

"Please let me know how it goes!" she said.

"I will be sure to let you know when I have a man in my pants," I said. Oops. It didn't sound like that in my head.

Later I relayed the whole thing to my friend who was with me. We decided I shouldn't rush into hanging just any pair of pants. Based on this logic, the kind of pants I hang will be indicative of the man who fills them.

Did I want to hang scrubs and get a doctor? Designer pants and get a lawyer or businessman? If I hung up an Ironman suit would I get Robert Downey Jr.?

I still haven't decided. I think I'll just keep praying that God will provide me with the right guy at the right time. And with the right pants.

I haven't hung the pants, but that conversation did get me thinking about starting a new dating website. I will call it Maninmypants.com. I am too scared to google it to see if it's taken.

What crazy advice have you received for finding a spouse? And, did it work?

www.funnykristin.com

20 Tips for Teen Girls

1. If someone gossips TO you, they will gossip ABOUT you.

2. Treat your parents with respect, even if you don't think they deserve it.

3. Be fierce about staying pure. (Take being called a "prude" as a compliment.)

4. Find your security, identity and confidence in Christ, not people.

5. Dress fashionably, but modestly. You want to be remembered for your personality (which is unique) not your cleavage (which looks exactly like everyone else's).

6. Malls are overrated. Go for a hike, see a play, make a cheesy youtube skit, do something besides "hanging" for hours around an indoor fountain that has water dyed blue to make it look more like water.

7. Find a mentor. Ask someone you respect and who has a strong walk with the Lord to mentor you if no one falls into that place naturally.

8. Learn to accept correction that is given in love.

9. Let baseless criticism roll off your back.

10. Avoid drama.

11. Forgive. Grudges don't burn any extra calories.

12. Take care of yourself by adopting good health habits now.

13. You don't need 750 self portraits of yourself on Facebook.

14. Hang around with people outside your peer group. You can learn a lot from adults, and younger kids can learn a lot from you.

15. Help keep creepy people away from you by disabling all location information in your social media.

16. Be trustworthy. Don't give your word lightly, and keep your word when you give it.

17. Read good books. No, Twilight doesn't count. (Hunger Games does.)

18. Be "others centered." Go volunteer at a nursing home. Help fold bulletins at your church. Offer to help out with a production at your local theater.

19. Be kind with your words.

20. Seek after the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul. Learn about who God is. Ask the tough questions, then find the answers.

www.funnykristin.com

Dogs are Boys and Cats are Girls (and other things I believed as a child)

I love talking with children about their views on the world. They are creative, funny, imaginative, and often surprisingly observant and honest in how they think the world works. Recently I was reflecting with a few of my siblings on things we believed as children. Here's what I could remember.


Things I believed as a child:

All dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

God lived in the DFW Air Traffic Control Tower. (My dad was a pilot and we flew a lot.)

Our prayers went to a series of answering machines in the DFW Air Traffic Control Tower, and when God had enough time He listened to them and answered them.

If I wore clip on earrings long enough, my ears would become pierced.

All tacos were eaten with coleslaw.

If a mom and a dad went somewhere together, the dad always did the driving. (Even now when I play the board game Life, I switch my little people so that the blue person is driving when I reach the "married" square.)

When a plane landed all the bags fell from the bottom of the plane. Elves came and collected them and put them on the baggage belt, which is why it took so long.

Everyone got married by age 23.

Girls had long hair. Cutting your hair made you a boy.

If a married couple wanted a baby, they only had to pray together and then went to go pick up the baby at the hospital. (Some families in our social circle obviously prayed more than others.)

Public school was a terrible place where children were sent by parents who didn't care about them.

Since girls always looked surprised when they were proposed to, I believed that you didn't have to know the man ahead of time and that any random dude could "surprise" you by proposing. (Which was actually semi true as I got proposed to by a gas station attendant one time.)

What did you believe as a child?

www.funnykristin.com