Toddlers and Tiaras (Part two)

I came straight to the T&T pageant from a show in Houston. Lori, my trusty sister and travel buddy kindly drove so I could sleep. I had a full-blown sinus infection and felt like a truck had hit me. Since I’d been traveling I hadn’t gotten to the doctor’s to get antibiotics. Lori asked if I wanted to skip it and just go home.

“NEVER!!!!!!!!” I croaked out. “I’ve been living for this day for months!”

I pumped myself full of drugs and stuffed my pockets with Kleenexes. (If you look close in the audience during the episode you’ll probably see me in the background blowing my nose. Classy.)

We arrived around 11:30am and, as we walked in, passed several contestants. The “glitz” make up on a four year old is even more disturbing in person. One little girl, who couldn’t have been more than three or four, was in a skin-tight two-piece leopard print outfit, giant hair piece, and 10 pounds of makeup.

We went inside and checked in with the crew, and I met with the field producer I’d been instructed to find. The FP told me she was going to get an interview with me. I didn’t know they were planning to have me on camera…as was evident by the lack of effort I’d put into my personal appearance. They asked about my stand up, what I liked about pageant shows, and what I was expecting from the pageant. The crew was very nice and fun. I also enjoyed seeing how they shape the interviews.

(Hanging out waiting to do my interview)


(Doing my interview. I felt legit.)




After my interview Lori and I went in and watched the pageant. When filming, the T&T crew requires anyone who watches the pageant to sign a release saying it's ok to show their face. We signed our releases and found our seats. There were three categories to this pageant: beauty, outfit of choice (or, more accurately, your pageant mother’s choice), and American wear.

American wear was by far the most entertaining/appalling. We watched little girls perform strip tease-esque routines wearing a variety of skimpy outfits in patriotic colors and camo.

The best (and by best, I mean “most shocking”) was a little girl who came up wearing camo fatigues and did a hip hop dance to Soulja Boy. The music then stopped, she shouted, “We salute the troops!” (I can’t remember exactly what she said…but it was something like that.) She then ripped off the camo to reveal a skin-tight skimpy red-white-blue outfit, the music changed to Miley Cyrus’ Party in the USA, and she finished her routine shaking it to that.

I’m not sure who was working it more: the kids or the moms doing the routine for their kids behind the judges. For some it looked like the most exercise they got in a while. (Sorry…too mean?)

Here’s what I didn’t realize from watching T&T: pretty much every contestant gets some sort of prize/title. In some age groups there were only two girls. So…where is the actual competition? Well, the true winner is the person who wins the “Ultimate Grand Supreme.” That is the real winner. The rest are fake winners.

(What everyone was competing for)


There was so much more, and I am working on incorporating more of this field trip into my stand up. But to summarize, here are the most important lessons I learned from this pageant:

1. Candy is an excellent reward for both good AND bad behavior.
2. If you want to fit in and encourage a competitor, shout: “get it, girl!” Preferably at least a dozen times per minute. If you get sick of shouting that, switch to: “sparkle, baby!”
3. It is okay to strip as long as you are doing it to honor our soldiers.
4. A fall, spray tan, and access to a sequin gun will greatly enhance your natural look.

That's it! Remember to watch Toddlers & Tiaras on Wednesday nights @ 10/9c on TLC! You won't be able to stop!

Toddlers and Tiaras (Part One)

Wow. I don’t even know where to begin…so I’ll start at the very beginning. (Julie Andrews tells me it’s a very good place to start.)

A couple years ago I was flipping through channels and stumbled onto the reality show Toddlers and Tiaras. I’m not usually a reality show person. I’m always skeptical that there is anything “real” about them. But this show caught my attention. There were little girls made up like they were 28 years old and about to head on stage looking like Vegas Showgirls.

Other than Miss America, I didn’t know much about pageants. Homeschoolers aren’t really pageant people. Although, I think it would be fun to see some glitzed-out denim skirts and watch girls walk across the stage trying not to trip on their long hair. We once got a pamphlet in the mail advertising the registration for some Texas pageant.

“What’s this?” I asked my mom.

“Fire kindling.”

The most disturbing part of these pageants is the parents (more specifically, the moms) who push them into it. They claimed the pageants boost their girls’ self esteem (I guess it does for the girl who wins the “most beautiful” category. For the other kids…maybe you’ll be prettier next time.) The show is disturbing, but since I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I figured I might as well watch. The more I watched, the more sickeningly hilarious I found it…especially how none of the moms seemed to think there was anything wrong with these pageants.

I began working material about this show into my stand up act. The Toddlers and Tiaras segment of my act is by far my favorite set of jokes to perform. It’s definitely a little on the mean side, but then again, putting your four year old in high heels, waxing their eye brows, and cramming on fake teeth doesn’t inspire sympathy.

Everyone who has seen T&T is thinking the same thing: what are these parents thinking?! And with all the money they are spending on pageants, will they have any left for the therapy that is going to be vitally necessary for these kids to function normally?

One day my friend and “comedy mentor” Kerri called me. (www.kerripom.com, go say hi. Tell her I sent you.)

“Hey, I’m about to be your best friend,” she said. “There’s someone here who wants to speak with you.”

This someone happened to be the executive producer of Toddlers and Tiaras, who Kerri knew through a mom’s group. She told her about my stand up, and had her give me a call. I was pretty excited. We talked about the show and I asked about some of the behind-the-scenes stuff. She said she can sleep at night knowing she was exposing these moms. I’m pretty sure I said something extremely corny at some point like, “you’re my hero.”

After the phone call, we kept in touch every so often via e-mail, usually discussing the show. She gave me an advance copy of an unaired episode, which has joined the ranks of my Molly Leg and Fantastic Four Arm as my most prized possessions.

Then came the really, really exciting part. Kerri, once again, became my best friend when she suggested to that they have “take your favorite comedian to work day.”

The thought of getting to see an actual pageant and see how they shoot the show thrilled me. We kept in touch, and found a date that they were shooting in Texas. I had a show not far from that area the day before, so it worked out great. For me, who has been a long time fan of the show, and now built a portion of my stand up career around it, was a dream come true.

Next, on PART TWO, I will tell you about the actual pageant day. Use the time between now and that post to take a lot of deep breaths.