Single in the Suburbs: Surviving the Singles Conference

If you missed my first post on Single in the Suburbs, you can find it HERE.

If you are single and live in the Bible belt region for any length of time, it is highly likely at some point you will wind up at a church Singles Conference.

The Singles Conference is what a church puts together when the numbers start getting low in the Newlyweds Class.

Never been to a Singles Conference? Here's the 411:

A team of (mostly) married pastors will preach to their single brothers and sisters about "using this time wisely" and "sowing into the Kingdom." (Translation: they need more people working in the nursery.)

They will then encourage us to treasure this time, because God is keeping us single for a purpose. As singles we must always remember that though we are only half-a-human, God still loves us and has a purpose for us. Always remember that. Always.

At some point in the conference the guys will be separated from the girls and each group will be addressed about gender-specific problems.

Girls will be encouraged to lay the burden of loneliness down and let God fulfill their deepest desires as they wait, wait, and wait for the right guy.

Guys will be admonished to man up and pursue the girls. (Author's Note: There is some aspect of mystery surrounding what happens in the guy's side, seeing as I've never actually been to that session. Someday I will cross dress and find out.)

A few other things you may encounter at a Singles Conference include:

The One-Word Conference Theme

Usually the Singles Conference involves a one word title. Something snappy and relevant like "Encounter," "Contentment," "Embrace," "Vision," "Design," "Refuge," "Relevant," or "Passion." (Actually rarely do Christians use the word "passion" without having "purity" somewhere close by.)

The "Meet Market" Stigma

The Singles Conference comes with the stigma that people only go to them in hopes of meeting their future spouse. While the stigma is annoying, the "meet market" demographic is the most entertaining part of these conferences. There is more perfume/cologne, giggling, and subtle/not-so-subtle flexing in the sanctuary during a singles conference than in an entire department store, comedy club, and gym combined. You want good entertainment? Grab a bag of popcorn and go plant yourself in the corner of the church lobby during a singles conference.

The Blatant Overuse of the Word "Contentment"

I will devote an entire blog to this one word, because it is brought up in church single circles like The Force is talked about in geek circles. At minimum once a conversation. When it comes to sermons on singleness and contentment, it is my opinion that you should be allowed to throw things at any pastor or speaker who got married before 25 and says, "I know how you feel. I was afraid I'd be single my whole life." VEGETABLE!

Here's the bottom line: Sermons on contentment, encouragement, admonitions to serve, and fellowship with other singles are all good things.

Why then my aversion and skepticism about the Singles Conference?

Because I don't like being lumped into a "category." I am (well, everyone is!) so much more than just another single church girl waiting to be married. The Singles Conference makes me feel like I'm exactly like every other girl. Waiting against the wall, anxious and worried that no man will ever ask me to join him on the spiritual dance floor. I don't feel like that until I'm in a room full of singles being preached to about "just hanging in there."

I need to go easy on the Singles Conference concept, though. The intention is good, and once I get past my pride and need to stand out (another form of pride), I enjoy the new friendships, fun, and time in the Word.

Plus, if it weren't for the Singles Conference, I would not exist to make fun of them.

I don't think I mentioned yet that my parents met at one...

What has been your experience with church singles conferences? Do you find them beneficial? Why or why not?

www.funnykristin.com

**If you're wondering the significance of my blog picture choice, don't over think it. I merely Googled "Singles Conferences" under images, and it was one of the first options.

Single in the Suburbs: What NOT to say to a single person

A year ago I moved from Los Angeles to the suburbs of North Texas. A few months after relocating to the suburbs I learned that I have a debilitating disease. The disease is called "Single Over 25."

To help myself "cope" with this potentially life-long illness, I'm doing a short blog series called Single in the Suburbs.

To launch this series I'm going to take you through a series of comments I've received related to my singleness. Most of them stem from people automatically assuming I'm miserable.

Don't say:

"Are you dating anybody?"
Please don't start a conversation with this. If you're a really good friend, you'll know when I'm dating someone. (Or "courting" someone for my homeschool friends.) Until then, watch for my Facebook status to change or look for a slew of pictures with a recurring mysterious dude at my side. The only acceptable time to ask this is if the conversation naturally veers toward dating.

"It's okay to want marriage."
A recently married colleague told me this after I told them I was content with my singleness. They looked at me intently, as if they thought I was lying, and said sincerely, "It's okay to want to be married." I was like, "Thank you for your permission. I will stop being content and starting pining for what you have."

"Have you tried E-Harmony?"
No. I do have a standing account, however, on Farmers Only.

"Don't take these years for granted."

Trust me, I realize being able to sleep for 12 uninterrupted hours is a gift.

"Marriage is so hard."

This line is classic because usually people say it right after they tell me that they can't wait for me to get married.

"You must be worried that you'll never get married."

Yes. Because it means I will have to endure comments like this the rest of my life.

A few other pointers when approaching single people:

Don't assume I'm miserable.

Don't assume that just because I'm talking to another single person of the opposite sex (or "gender" for my homeschool friends) that I'm dating them, or even interested in them.

Don't assume you can't include me just because I'm single.

Don't assume that I'm less spiritually mature than you just because I lack a spouse. I may be, but don't assume so.

Don't assume I'm available to babysit.

Don't assume I'm not available to babysit.

To my single people: what have people said to you about your current unfortunate predicament?

www.funnykristin.com

Where Have all the Children Gone? (Part Two)

In my last blog I talked about the purposeful and controversial behavior of young stars trying to be taken seriously by sexualizing themselves.

Why is this behavior so common in coming-of-age celebutantes?

I think the answer is personal, cultural, and spiritual. On a personal level, growing up in front of the camera is difficult. Going through the awkward adolescent stage is hard enough without having millions watch your every move and mistake. Add to that being the center of attention for many years and it’s like vigorously shaking a soda bottle before opening. (There’s probably a better analogy…if you think of one let me know.)

Plus, no matter how humble your family and friends keep you, when you are the star of a show you are treated a cut above the rest. There are people whose job is to make sure you are happy since you are the face of the project. When your identity is wrapped up in being the main focus (whether intentional or not) it’s disillusioning when it’s taken away.

Lastly, for many of these kids, their life has been micro-controlled by parents, managers, studio execs, etc. I’m not a psychologist, but in some twisted way these kids are finally getting a level of control over their life. Sure, the control may bend negatively, but at least it’s their choice.

From a cultural perspective, society has a fascination with bad behavior. We love to raise people up and then see people fall from grace. Thinking and talking about someone else’s stupidity distracts us from our own. So, these kids still get to stay in the spotlight because society inadvertently feeds into it by buying magazines and watching Hollywood gossip shows, which creates a world where people profit financially from their mishaps.

Finally, these kids are seeking something that can never be found in fame, fortune, or the centerfold of a magazine spread. They are seeking what only Jesus can provide—and that is unconditional love and acceptance. When you realize your worth and value is not dictated by public opinion, but by how much your Heavenly Father loves you, it frees you from the clutches of fame and public opinion.

It’s a sad trend that I hope turns around. I hope that America loses its fascination with celebrity and celebrates not fame for fame’s sake, but actual talent and accomplishment. I wish people would just as eagerly grab tabloids that featured brilliant scientists, writers, and other achievers, rather than celebrate celebrities who checked into rehab due to exhaustion from clubbing too hard.

Instead of talking about and clucking your tongues at these young stars, pray for them. They may seem like they "have it all." But as we see over and over again, "having it all" is not the answer.

"What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" Matthew 8:36

Do you follow celebrities? How do you react to their shenanigans?

Where Have all the Children Gone? (Part One)

I’m not a huge fan of most Disney Channel shows (another blog for another day), but when I saw Miley Cyrus doing a strip tease-y number in a bird cage at some awards show I stared at the tv screen flabbergasted. Yet another teen icon was purposefully and intentionally shirking her “good girl” image. (Author’s Note: Yes, I know I’m about two years behind in pop culture. But two years is actually really good for me considering homeschoolers are usually a decade behind. I only figured out who the Spice Girls were a couple years ago.)

Since this incident she’s posed in magazines flaunting seductive clothes and poses, and spoken out that she is, indeed, trying to get the world to see her as an adult.

Here’s what struck me more than the (in my opinion) tackiness of these attempts: that in her mind “adult” equals sexualizing yourself. In fact, there seems to be a trend among teen stars to “shed” their image (and their clothes) in order to be taken more seriously.

I think they are confusing controversy with maturity.

Brittany Spears, Christina Aguilera, Lindsey Lohan, Taylor Momsen, and a slew of other child actors who began their careers playing wholesome, sweet parts have gone extremely out of their way to show the world they are rebels with an edge. They want to be taken seriously. They want the world to know they are no longer little girls.

Trust us. We know. The constant barrage of headlines saying you’ve missed your court mandated counseling or got married and divorced in less than a week has confirmed it. You are indeed grown up.

But did you want our attention or our respect? Because our attention you have, our respect you do not.

What about the other aspects of being an adult deserving of respect? What about responsibility? Leadership? Creativity? Intelligence? Giving back to your community? Those are all important markers of adulthood. For some reason, though, those apparently don’t get the attention of the general public enough to merit pursuing.

Why do you think young celebrities get caught up in this whirlwind of controversy?

20 Tips for Teen Girls

1. If someone gossips TO you, they will gossip ABOUT you.

2. Treat your parents with respect, even if you don't think they deserve it.

3. Be fierce about staying pure. (Take being called a "prude" as a compliment.)

4. Find your security, identity and confidence in Christ, not people.

5. Dress fashionably, but modestly. You want to be remembered for your personality (which is unique) not your cleavage (which looks exactly like everyone else's).

6. Malls are overrated. Go for a hike, see a play, make a cheesy youtube skit, do something besides "hanging" for hours around an indoor fountain that has water dyed blue to make it look more like water.

7. Find a mentor. Ask someone you respect and who has a strong walk with the Lord to mentor you if no one falls into that place naturally.

8. Learn to accept correction that is given in love.

9. Let baseless criticism roll off your back.

10. Avoid drama.

11. Forgive. Grudges don't burn any extra calories.

12. Take care of yourself by adopting good health habits now.

13. You don't need 750 self portraits of yourself on Facebook.

14. Hang around with people outside your peer group. You can learn a lot from adults, and younger kids can learn a lot from you.

15. Help keep creepy people away from you by disabling all location information in your social media.

16. Be trustworthy. Don't give your word lightly, and keep your word when you give it.

17. Read good books. No, Twilight doesn't count. (Hunger Games does.)

18. Be "others centered." Go volunteer at a nursing home. Help fold bulletins at your church. Offer to help out with a production at your local theater.

19. Be kind with your words.

20. Seek after the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul. Learn about who God is. Ask the tough questions, then find the answers.

www.funnykristin.com

Top Three Cupcake Picks 2011

A couple years ago cupcakes started trending. If my cupcake history is correct, the Beverly Hills Sprinkles launched these little delicacies into the spotlight, and the fire gradually spread. Cupcakeries (if it's not already a word, it should be) began popping up all over the place.

It is my firm belief that cupcakes promote happiness.** Have you ever seen a cupcake and frowned?

As the trend spiraled nation-wide, I had an overwhelming urge to find the world's most perfect cupcake. This quest would require dedication, commitment, and the consumption of a lot of cupcakes. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for the betterment of mankind. After all, can you imagine the power you'll hold if you possess the knowledge of where to find the most perfect cupcake? I shudder at the thought of this knowledge falling into the wrong hands.

I began sampling cupcakes at a rate of one a week. When I was on the road with comedy I'd keep my eyes open for bakeries to try. Over the course of 2011 I established my top three picks for cupcake places in the U.S. Two are in California, one in Texas. This year I will continue my quest to find the perfect cupcake...if such a thing exists.

Last thing: I am among those with an innate disgust of the word "moist." But there is truly no other word that adequately describes a bakery product with the appropriate amount of moisture. My synonym search yielded alternatives like "oozy" and "damp." Certainly not an adjective I want describing something I'm eating, unless it's frosting oozing out of the cupcake. Even then...kinda ew.

And finally: My Top Three Cupcake Picks for 2011:

1. Sift in Napa, CA

This place won Cupcake Wars, and for good reason. I tried the Sky is Falling and Snickerdoodle cupcakes, which were hands down the best cupcakes I've ever tried. They were moist, with the appropriate cake-to-frosting ratio. The flavors just strong enough without being overwhelming.

2. NV Cupcakes in Corinth, TX

Usually bigger cities boast winning treats, but this unassuming little shop nestled next to an Alberton's boasts some pretty spectacular treats. The thing I value about these is the consistency. These are near my family in Texas and I often get them as gifts. They are never dry, never too sweet, and slightly smaller (also priced lower than the average cupcake) so you don't go into a sugar coma after eating one. My personal favorites are the New York Cheescake (available on Fridays) and the York Peppermint (rolled out on Wednesdays). Bonus, it's family owned.

3. Famous Cupcakes in Valley Village, CA

This cupcakery was in a neighborhood where I used to teach. The cupcakes are moist, and the frosting brilliant. Start off with a half, though, as they are quite sweet. I recommend the Black Tie or Vanilla. The biggest con is trying to find parking in the tiny shopping center where this is located.

Honorable Mention: WalMart cupcakes. You wouldn't think the place known for cheapness would crank out a decent pastry. Perhaps it was because my expectations were so low I had no choice but to be pleasantly surprised.

www.funnykristin.com

*When eaten in moderation. Eaten in large quantities they promote type 2 diabetes. This PSA brought to you by Paula Dean.**

**PSA not actually brought to you by Paula Dean.

There's a Man in my Pants!

A few months ago I received the most amazing advice on how to get a husband.

After one of my shows a middle age lady came up to me and posed the following question:

"I know you joke about being single in your act, but is getting married something you want?"

"Sure, when I meet the right guy," I responded.

"Okay, well if you're serious about wanting to get a husband, here's what you need to do. You need to get a pair of men's pants and hang them on the end of your bed. Then you pray to God every night to fill those pants with the perfect man," she said firmly.

I almost started laughing, but there was no hint of joking in her voice.

Oh my, I realized. She's serious! And she wasn't finished.

"But you're tall," she added thoughtfully. "So you want to hang a big pair of pants so you get a tall man."

"My dad is tall," I interjected. "Can I use a pair of his pants?"

"Oh no, sweetie. That's a little weird," she said, looking mortified.

Good! I was wondering where the bar for "weird" was. It definitely had been raised in this conversation. And she still wasn't finished.

"Go to Goodwill and pick up a pair of pants there," she finished. "That's what I did when I was ready to get married. I hung those pants up, prayed, and then I joined Christian Mingle and found my husband!"

There were so many crazy wise cracks going through my head. I got the sense this wasn't the kind of person who would take teasing. (It's much less rude, and requires less of a spine, to blog about it later.) Instead I smiled and said, "thank you for the advice."

"Please let me know how it goes!" she said.

That's when my willpower dissolved.

"I will definitely let you know when I have a man in my pants."

Later I relayed the whole thing to my friend who was with me. We decided I shouldn't rush into hanging just any pair of pants. Based on this lady's logic, the kind of pants I hang will be indicative of the man who fills them.

I immediately dismissed the Goodwill suggestion, because I don't want a used man. But did I want to hang scrubs and get a doctor? Designer pants and get a lawyer or businessman? If I hung up an Ironman suit would I get Robert Downey Jr.?

I still haven't decided. I think I'll just keep praying that God will provide me with the right guy at the right time. And with the right pants.

I haven't hung the pants, but that conversation did get me thinking about starting a new dating website. I will call it Maninmypants.com. I am too scared to google it to see if it's taken.

What crazy advice have you received for finding a spouse? And, did it work?

www.funnykristin.com