Thursday, April 28, 2011

What I've Learned From Shark Week

After watching a ton of Shark Week episodes over the past five days (it's been a slow week), I've compiled a list of things I've learned:

1. Don't swim dressed as a clown.

2. You are more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash, but you are more likely to die in a plane crash than a shark attack.

3. Don't voluntarily put your hand, leg, head, hip, head, foot, fingers, eye ball, or any other body parts in a shark's mouth.

4. In order to be a shark expert, you need to wear khaki shorts and show no expression when you speak.

5. Humans eat Popsicles, sharks eat Chumsicles.

6. Chainmail isn't just for fighting medieval battles, it also is used in shark suits to protect you from--you guessed it--shark bites.

7. Chainmail shark suits do NOT protect against Great White shark bites, because they are super biters.

8. If a shark bites you, don't panic. Calmly collect your remaining limbs and bob toward the shore.

9. Sharks don't really WANT to eat humans. Except when they do.

10. Sharks are opportunistic feeders. Meaning, if the Discovery Channel film crew dumps a bunch of dead, bloody fish in the water, sharks will eat them even if they're not hungry. I can't really blame the sharks for this behavior. If someone showed up at my door with a fresh Chipotle burrito (my version of dead, bloody fish), I'd eat it, even if I wasn't hungry.

11. If you watch a lot of Shark Week episodes in a short amount of time, Netflix will suggest that you might like the movie Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. You will watch it in its entirety and come to the conclusion that it's the worst movie ever made.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Shark Week

I am already counting down the weeks until this years' Shark Week. It always falls the week of my birthday, and an entire seven days chock full of shark documentaries is the BEST birthday gift ever.

Since I'm not doing as much traveling in the coming months, I treated myself to a Netflix account. Right now I'm going through and watching all the old Shark Week episodes that are streaming.

My favorite episode so far is "How not to Become Shark Bait." It seems obvious to me: don't get in the water. But, that's not their advice. Rather than test for normal scenarios, they put themselves in situations 99% if swimmers will never get into. I would like to know whether you should swim if you have a cut, or whether it's smart to wear a wetsuit cause it makes you look like a seal.

Instead, they do experiments to see if sharks attack people who swim dressed like clowns. One of the divers dresses as a clown to see if the sharks attack him more than usual. (Just the phrase "see if the sharks attack me more than usual" is odd.) I don't want to spoil anything, but there was some shark drama.

But, when was the last time you thought to yourself, "golly, I'd like to wear my clown suit swimming, but I'm afraid it will attract more sharks!" Uh, never.

Now I'm watching Air Jaws: Sharks of South Africa. Essentially, a shark jumps out of the water, then they cut to a "shark expert," who comments. Rinse and repeat.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

My Favorite Websites

Today I wanted to share with you some of my favorite, most frequented websites**:


If you are looking for a modest, colorful swimsuit for this summer season, check out these modest beauties. You will definitely be the talk of the pool party!

Dating Services:

This is the perfect dating website if you're looking for a quaint, rustic life with Mr. Perfect. (Cowboy hats not necessarily included)

Pet Accessories:

For those of you who prefer to treat your pet as a fashion accessory rather than a dignified member of the animal kingdom.

**Disclaimer: The above sites, though very real, are put on this blog in a sarcastic manner. I do not advocate wearing neoprene body suits, speed dating cowboys, or wearing your dog like a purse. Unless you want to. Then, by all means, have at it! (I can't guarantee that you won't be made fun of, though.)