What I've Learned From Shark Week

After watching a ton of Shark Week episodes over the past five days (it's been a slow week), I've compiled a list of things I've learned:

1. Don't swim dressed as a clown.

2. You are more likely to die in a car accident than a plane crash, but you are more likely to die in a plane crash than a shark attack.

3. Don't voluntarily put your hand, leg, head, hip, head, foot, fingers, eye ball, or any other body parts in a shark's mouth.

4. In order to be a shark expert, you need to wear khaki shorts and show no expression when you speak.

5. Humans eat Popsicles, sharks eat Chumsicles.

6. Chainmail isn't just for fighting medieval battles, it also is used in shark suits to protect you from--you guessed it--shark bites.

7. Chainmail shark suits do NOT protect against Great White shark bites, because they are super biters.

8. If a shark bites you, don't panic. Calmly collect your remaining limbs and bob toward the shore.

9. Sharks don't really WANT to eat humans. Except when they do.

10. Sharks are opportunistic feeders. Meaning, if the Discovery Channel film crew dumps a bunch of dead, bloody fish in the water, sharks will eat them even if they're not hungry. I can't really blame the sharks for this behavior. If someone showed up at my door with a fresh Chipotle burrito (my version of dead, bloody fish), I'd eat it, even if I wasn't hungry.

11. If you watch a lot of Shark Week episodes in a short amount of time, Netflix will suggest that you might like the movie Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. You will watch it in its entirety and come to the conclusion that it's the worst movie ever made.

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