Monday, June 4, 2012

There's a Man in my Pants!

A few months ago I received the most amazing advice on how to get a husband. After one of my shows a middle age lady came up to me and posed the following question:

"I know you joke about being single in your act, but is getting married something you want?"

"Sure, when I meet the right guy," I responded.

"No," she said firmly. "If you're serious about wanting to get a husband, here's what you need to do. You need to get a pair of men's pants and hang them on the end of your bed. Then you pray to God every night to fill those pants with the perfect man." 

I almost started laughing, but there was no hint of joking in her voice.

Oh my, I realized. She's serious! And she wasn't finished.

"But you're tall," she added thoughtfully. "So you want to hang a big pair of pants so you get a tall man."

"My dad is tall," I interjected. "Can I just use a pair of his pants?"

"Oh no, sweetie. That's a little weird," she said, looking mortified.

Good! I was wondering where the bar for "weird" was. It definitely had been raised in this conversation. And she still wasn't finished.

"Go to Goodwill and pick up a pair of pants there," she finished.

"I don't want a used man!" I thought to myself. My thoughts were interrupted, though, as she continued talking.

"That's what I did when I was ready to get married. I hung those pants up, prayed, and then I joined Christian Mingle and found my husband!"

There were so many crazy wise cracks going through my head. I got the sense this wasn't the kind of person who would take teasing. (It's much less rude, and requires less of a spine, to blog about it later.) Instead I smiled and said, "thank you for the advice."

"Please let me know how it goes!" she said.

"I will be sure to let you know when I have a man in my pants," I said. Oops. It didn't sound like that in my head.

Later I relayed the whole thing to my friend who was with me. We decided I shouldn't rush into hanging just any pair of pants. Based on this logic, the kind of pants I hang will be indicative of the man who fills them.

Did I want to hang scrubs and get a doctor? Designer pants and get a lawyer or businessman? If I hung up an Ironman suit would I get Robert Downey Jr.?

I still haven't decided. I think I'll just keep praying that God will provide me with the right guy at the right time. And with the right pants.

I haven't hung the pants, but that conversation did get me thinking about starting a new dating website. I will call it I am too scared to google it to see if it's taken.

What crazy advice have you received for finding a spouse? And, did it work?


Dawn said...

Oh, my. That is too much! Ppl give the most ridiculous and unhelpful advice to single people on how to 'find' a spouse. Nice job holding your tongue ... impressive given the circumstances. :)

Stephanie said...

That just brought a ray of sunshine into my dark day! I think you should definitely have a man in your pants. Hee, hee, hee. Best of luck with the Goodwill trip.

Carolina said...

Not to mention, if you bought an expensive pair of pants, maybe you would get a rich guy?! :P

Patricia said...

oh my goodness too funny!!! girl u better not get yourself skinny man jeans coz it would suck if your man fit into jeans smaller than yours! ;)

as a recently married advice im gonna tell u is: don't get pants and pray for a man to fill them...instead go get yourself a good pair of jeans (you know the ones that hug your butt nicely) and pray to God that He will bring a guy that will take notice and will want to marry u so he can take your jeans off soon ;)

the naughtiest advice always comes from me =D said...

That is just great!!!!!!!!!! I can just hear the conversation!!! Sorry...laughing to hard to comment too much! You know the Lord works in mysterious ways...who knows? He did heal by spit!

She sounds too much like my mother-in-law who says if you buy a car with comfortable seats you will fall asleep and have a wreak!! You just have to love them.

Jenny said...

Actually, this old lady isn't as crazy as you might think. Her advice sounds really familiar. I think it's an updated version of an older tradition. Maybe Irish or something. I've never tried it (nor plan too), but I'm pretty sure the superstition was around long before her time.

Jenny said...

My mom filled me in on my grandmother's version: It's a man's shoe, and you can't use your father's because no one can fill his shoes.

Anonymous said...

This happened to a friend of mine: